Retarded USC Girl

2011-10-08T16:51:00.000-07:00

I have missed this blog so much.

Last night I had to puke and rally. In truth... I was really proud of myself... I'm fucking 30 and I can still throw down like I was in college.

2010-03-29T12:59:00.000-07:00

I've never been crazy about war stories. If I was desperately bored and nothing good was on, I might watch Apocalypse Now or Platoon in hopes of seeing some half dressed American heart throbs, but I never got excited thinking "Oh God I can't wait for this movie to start".

So, as much as I've never been interested in war stories, it speaks volumes to say that one of my all time favorite writers, Tim OBrien writes them. He does more than just put pen to page. If ever you had a relationship with characters .... I dunno, it is hard to put into words the effect that his books have on the reader... or on thsi reader anyway.

The Things They Carried is one of the best American stories ever told. He writes with such honesty that the stories are painful to read.... but still delicious none the less.
July, July was an amazing book as well.
I just stumbled across "If I Die in a Combat Zone, Box Me Up and Ship Me Home" today in a Goodwill. I went shopping with a friend of mine and I freaked out when I saw the book.

I never actively buy books anymore. I wait for books to jump out at me and demand to be taken home. This was one of those books. So, for a whole dollar - I have another Tim OBrien book and i can't wait to sit down and read it.

:) Ah, it's gonna be a good day.

2010-03-10T20:26:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired tonight. It has been a really long, busy day. It's been a good day though. I love days like this.... I know that when i finally lay down, i will just pass out. It's the best sleep in the world.

2010-02-02T16:47:00.000-08:00

Well, where do I begin? A lot has happened since the start of the year.

First, dad went into the hospital. He was there for a week. He has CHF. He is doing marvelously. His doctors were just fantastic. God Bless University Hospital in Augusta, Ga. He is on a low sodium diabetic diet and he is extremely compliant. I am really proud of him. :) It is absolutely terrifying to see a parent in the hospital, especially when you dont have a great track record of parents making it out of the hospital alive.

He came to stay with me for two weeks after he was released from the hospital. Which leads me to Big News Item Numero Dos. I moved.... FINALLY to run the Lodge. It's all I thought it would be. It's a lot of fun. I get 40 hours of vacation time a week. I have taken ummm around 3 hours so far lol. It's a lot of fun.

Life is going really well right now. :) Every day is a good day :)

2009-12-31T00:35:00.000-08:00

I did manage to tackle a few after Christmas sales. :)

I am moving on the 10th officially. Woo Hoo. It's been a long time coming..... :)

So between now and then, I will be doing a shitload of packing. In fact, I think I will start when I get home tomorrow. :)

And new year dawns..... I hope that 2010 is a good year... for all of us. :)

Happy New Year! :)

2009-12-28T03:56:00.000-08:00

So Christmas came and went without much fanfare. It was nice, and I am glad it's over. Cold weather is coming, but the Weather Channel is not omnipotent.... and they play shitty music on the 8s, so I can't trust them. :)

I'm bored at work. Business is slow right now. I have been here for almost 7 hours and I have only seen 2 people. It annoys me. I think that we feed off of the energy of others. I don't know how hermits make it. Look at T. Kazinsky... maybe that is why he had to have his go with explosives... just a hermit trying to create some energy.

I'm sleepy... and I think I might be too tired to tackle any after Christmas sales... now, that's tired. :(

2009-12-24T02:59:00.000-08:00

I spent way too much money in Books-a-Million last night. There is just something about that store that makes me want to move in. I'm not a huge coffee drinker, but I always want a cup the moment I walk in the door. I could stroll for hours through the aisles of shelves heavy laden with volume after volume of something potentially wonderful.

The center displays are overflowing with the latest trends: vampire novels and political tell-alls. I love to hate the complete gift sets.... the easy way to own every book in a series. That seems like a cheaters way of doing things. I am in love with several series of books. Three to be exact. Well, maybe 4. :) When you invest yourself in a series, you have the thrill of the book itself, the agony of the months you must wait before the next volume is in print, the sense of victory when you track down a bookstore that still has a copy available (because I will not stoop to preordering... it's like hunting on a baited field). When you buy the entire series all at once, you lose some of what it is that you love about the whole experience.

Case in point: I remember going with Hollie to Savannah to get our hands on the new JR Ward book (Vampire porn I admit) the day it came out. This was 3 books ago. Sadly, she wrote this Guide to the Brotherhood book that totally blew and I own the last book in the series, but I haven't had the heart to read it, fearing it will suck as much as the Guide did, thus killing my desire to read and ultimately my will to live (wow - I have been watching a lot of melodramas lately).

But I digress... I was talking about moving into BaM and why I love that store. There are so many wonderful books there, I could spend hours..... but a thought hits me right before I steel myself enough to leave.... a great many of those books will suck. They will inevitably end up in the discount bin and then the remaining few copies will either end up as firestarters in the third world or as props to help level tables in the homes of people whose floors have received some sort of water damage. That must be a horrible life.

So, I walked out of there with a book as a gift for myself and one for someone else. It's hard to pass up David Sedaris. He is genius :)

And I know that we are all supposed to be wearing recycled shoes and driving alternative fuel vehicles while sorting our paper, glass, and plastic to be recycled while buying locally for small businesses and avoiding the big chain stores, but WalMart.... oh where for art thou WalMart? How could I have forgotten that your flourescently lighted aisles and employees running their "zone defense" could save me almost half? Ah, the agony....

2009-12-22T22:07:00.000-08:00

I took my four year old nephew to Lights of the South tonight. It's 10 acres of Christmas lights. It's really wonderful. Santa is there. You can go on a hayride through all of the lights. There are all of these little hot chocolate vendors and all of these little classic village houses that serve as playhouses for the kids and as the concession stands. It's really very cute. The little kids can even ride in a little train that I think is made from golf carts, but I can't be sure... an engineer, I am not. It was precious.

Bowen is really excited about Christmas and he looked at me with the kind of awe, wonder, and honesty that only a child can have and he told me, "I know where we are! We are at the North Pole". It would have been so wrong to tell him the truth. Grovetown, GA may not be the North Pole, but there is a little blonde haired boy who is fast asleep and he is convinced that he went to the North Pole tonight and Santa was there. He saw Santa's house and the workshop where the toys are made and he saw all of the lights and all the magic of Christmas. How could it not be the North Pole?

It was one of those completely precious evenings and I can see myself looking back on when I am old... older than I am now and smiling. When Bowen is a grownup, he will remember going to the North Pole when he was a little boy. I loved that.

So needless to say, this one little adventure has certainly cranked my spirit up a notch. Perhaps tomorrow I will bake Christmas cookies and watch Christmas Vacation.... maybe.... :)

2009-12-20T23:15:00.000-08:00

Christmas is on the horizon. Woo freakin Hoo. I'm not in the Crimmis spirit this year. Last year I was channeling Martha Stewart as I baked countless cookies and prepared for the annual cinnamon- roll -Christmas -morning. I was super excited about Santa coming for the nieces and nephews.... this year, my biggest excitement is waiting for Dog the Bounty Hunter to locate Santa. This is generally the point where people reach for a hand gun and take themselves out before life gets any shittier.

...but life isn't shitty... not in the least... it just bothers me that I don't feel like anyone has shoved some mistletoe up my ass this year. Where is the crimmis spirit?

I remember being a kid. The excitement for Santa was unbelievable. The meteorologist in the gray suit and Christmas tie would show us Santa on the radar because not only can the meteorologist predict a thunderstorm, he can predict Santa's flight plan. I can remember my brother waking me up while it was still dark outside and racing into the living room to see what Santa left us. I remember the year I finally knew for sure (all lingering hope abolished) that Santa was a crock.... it left a certain sense of sadness that children can only experience when they realize that there is no magic in the world. It's a sadness that you carry with you for the rest of your life.

On my commute to work, I think about all sorts of random things. Lately, I have been thinking about Christmas past in a way that even Marley could be proud of. I wonder about the world often and most recently, I wonder what the world would be like if yes, Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus.... I wonder how many of us would really try to be good and how many of us would tell Santa to go fuck himself and go to Radio Shack and buy presents for ourselves.

Parents would face a particular dilemma. What if your kid was a real asshole, but you loved him anyway? Would you buy gifts and slip them under the tree and pretend they were from Santa to keep the magic alive? Would that put the parents on the naughty list? Would Santa be on TMZ after being stalked and harrassed by the paparazzi? Would an elf end up on 60 minutes admitting to years of sexual abuse from Father Christmas? Would Mrs. Claus put dents in the sleigh with a golf club after accusations of Santa's infidelities surfaced? Would she end up on Oprah talking about how all the spark left the marriage when he spent a questionable amount of hours with the reindeer? Would Santa end up as a spokesman for the American Diabetic Association, requesting sugar free cookies this year?

The possibilities are endless. I realize how Santa, even if he were real, could never exist in our present society.... that being said....

I can't remember a better time of life. The years spent believing in Santa are really magical and something I look back on with absolute joy. I remember getting my play kitchen one year and a play grocery store that was probably 100 percent cardboard but it was still awesome.

This train of thought made me think about religion. I don't know if there is a God. I have great faith that there is. I hope that there is. I like the idea of having something/someone to believe in.... So, I guess I would rather have faith in something that may not exist than to know for certain it's a hoax. Sometimes the joy is not in the truth, but in the belief.

2009-11-05T00:52:00.001-08:00

I've been listening to Kings of Leon a lot lately. I can't seem to get the music out of my head. I love when that happens. It is an amazing feeling to have something take over control of your brain and leave you incapable of thought for 3 to 4 minutes, however long the song lasts. When that happens, I don't have to think about anything.... not my failures or deadlines or pressures or stress. I don't have to think about my family or myself or where my life is headed.... I don't have to think of all the times I should have gone left instead of right or wished that I could win the lottery or plan for what I will do should I eventually win the lottery. None of that matters, none of it is even remotely relevant the moment I hear the beginning instrumental of "Soft".

2009-10-21T15:14:00.000-07:00

Could anything be better than Kings of Leon right now? I don't think so. Death Cab for Cutie maybe? Ah, it's just one of those days when you just want to sit back and listen to some really really great music and do nothing....

So I am going to tutor someone in math today. I have done this before.... but it begs the question Why??? I sucked in math at school and I was always a bit afraid of it. Math is so confusing... has the ability to be so confusing. I was always a fan of English. English was the best. You read, you write.... you can weave a tapestry of bullshit into an essay that comes off as somehwat plausible.... even if you have absolutely no idea what the story you just read was about. with math - you actually have to be right..... which scares the shit out of me.

2009-09-29T01:41:00.000-07:00

Random Memories:

-Jodi reciting "Pierre the French Fighter Pilot"

-Falling in a grave at Friendship Baptist Church and looking up and Jodi was gone. He had sprinted back to his vehicle.

-Chris pissing off the roof of Bates West

-Julie slipping at Maryville College and me honking the horn and lamost peeing on myself from laughing.

-Jodi's pig Sam getting raped by a dog

-Seth telling me the story of throwing up in his hat while driving down Whaley street

-Melissa falling asleep in Econ and her head hitting the wall

-Indians dont really go "wah.wah.wah"

-Fake wrecks on Haltiwanger's golf cart in High school.. and Jodi being so drunk he saw two dogs... and his s10 key cranked up the golf cart.. n hit the house...

-the Gold Club in Savannah... and the bouncer who pointed Seth out to the other bouncers like he was some sort of pervert.

2009-09-08T02:32:00.000-07:00

Wow. The summer is over and the last time I updated this thing was in June? so sad. Ah, summer turns to fall....

SO why post today? Well... watching HLN (I cant help myself... I am addicted to the channel) ... I stumbled across a story of Nikki Catsouras. Basically, she had a horrific wreck a few years back on Halloween day and 2 CHP officers took pics on the scene and sent them to friends and family. So the family is fighting to have the pics removed from the web. so HLN asks the question "Where do you stand?" ... and I find myself in the morbid minority.....

1. Granted, the pics are bad... head split open.... blood.. brain matter... twisted car.... a real horror story, but why are these pics any different from the countless other pics on the web that are similar? Are those families any less hurt by the pics of their loved ones being broadcast online?

2. Once something is in the public domain it is owned by everyone.... defining actual ownership is ambiguous at best.... and removing the pics would boil down to a matter or censorship. Censorship in even its most basic forms is a slow poison that creeps into society like cyanide in the drinking water. You take these away.... ban them from the web (which is impossible.... use laser beams to remove them from our memory???) and then what's next? So we remove celebrity autopsy photos and then videos of people busting their asses in the streets and eventually we are back to burning books and having the government tell us what we can and cannot see and/or read. I'm not drinking the KoolAid.

3. John and Ponch would be ashamed of these CHP officers. They were truly unprofessional. I mean come on man... WTF were you thinking? They should be reprimanded/fired/etc... but the damage is done. You can't diffuse a bomb after it's gone off.

4. The people who are attacking and harrassing the family need to get a life.... grow up.... meet the legal system... whatever.... I mean... come on, this is ridiculous!

2009-06-18T01:51:00.000-07:00

I remember being sick as a kid. Like we all were.... every now and then you get a cold or the flu or some virus that knocks you on your ass for a few days. You stay out of school and you watch cartoons and drink gingerale from a little tupperware cup and your mom kisses your forehead and tucks you in and says "bless your heart" and you start to feel a little better.

I had a stomach virus recently that knocked me on my ass. It made me wax nostalgic about the old days.... and then I remembered being a kid.... and I see this image in glimpses... but I can remember the grey floral bedspread and the white furry (yes - furry) headboard my parents had... I was sick and I was dehydrated and or some shit and my mom had to fight with me to ram a suppository up my ass.... i was wearing pink shorts.... and I remember that suppository was like a goddam icecube.

So - as much as I look back and think, damn - as a kid I had it made.... at least, as an adult, I can decide what goes in my own ass.... ;)

IKEA | PAX Wardrobe with interior organizers

2009-05-21T19:05:00.000-07:00

IKEA | PAX Wardrobe with interior organizers

I am lusting for this closet.....

2009-05-19T22:20:00.000-07:00

When the Lotto jackpot starts approaching the 200 million mark, it is so easy to visualize what one would do with that kind of money. A cruise around the world? a life of vacations? charitable ventures? the means for revenge? ;) I dunno..... I have relatively no idea what I would do with that kind of money.... sometimes I stare at a 20 and wonder what the hell I am going to do with it...... so why do I even buy a ticket?

...because maybe, just maybe, close to 200 million before taxes would be enough money to see George Clooney naked.....

2009-05-12T04:24:00.000-07:00

man.... I am apparently all about taking a hiatus from blogging. It isn't overtly intentional.... my life has just been pretty boring lately... nothing to record :) .

2009-04-16T01:39:00.000-07:00

It's a Nick Drake kinda day...

Lifting the mask from from a local clown
Feeling down like him
Seeing the light in a station bar
And travelling far in sin
Sailing downstairs to the northern line
Watching the shine of the shoes
And hearing the trial of the people there
Who's to care if they lose.
And take a look you may see me on the ground
For I am the parasite of this town.
Dancing a jig in a church with chimes
A sign of the times today
And hearing no bell from a steeple tall
People all in dismay
Falling so far on a silver spoon
Making the moon for fun
And changing a rope for a size too small
People all get hung.
Take a look and see me coming through
For I am the parasite who travels two by two.
When lifting the mask from a local clown
And feeling down like him
And I'm seeing the light in a station bar
And travelling far in sin
And I'm sailing downstair to the northern line
Watching the shine of the shoes
And hearing the trials of the people there
Who's to care if they lose.
And take a look you may see me on the ground
For I am the parasite of this town.
And take a look you may see me in the dirt
For i am the parasite who hangs from your skirt.

... I've been behaving. :)

2009-02-28T23:27:00.000-08:00

Wow... I am absolute shit when it comes to updating. It would be easy to say "nothing has happened lately... so no need to update...." but that is not quite the case.

For the first time in a long while, I feel like the fog has lifted and whatever funk I have been in is slipping away. It's almost invisible now. :) It's definitely a good thing.

I quit my job. I think this is my penis showing game. If you are not familiar with the phrase... then I guess you have never seen Waiting (which is a sincerely kick ass movie). A penis showing game is that thing that you find that makes you happy and takes away some of the bullshit... if only for a while... it makes your life more bearable.

So, apparently my penis showing game is leaving my job at research and running a hotel. It's a small one. 35 rooms. It has a manager's apartment. The money is almost twice what I was making plus the lack of any living expenses makes the salary exponentially better than what I was getting. I just saw myself sitting at that desk and thought "Am I going to do this for the rest of my life....??? Get paid for a 36 hour week with no room for advancement???" I dont think I could have worked for and with nicer people... I had some fun everyday, but I think that sometimes the very best thing you can do is walk away - even from a good thing... to find your penis showing game.

And so here I am with lots of free time and i will be able to start taking classes so I can get admitted to a PA program.... ahhh, GRE here I come.

I dunno.... the odd thing is that for the first time in a very long while, I feel like I am really on the right track. I want things and I see a clear path on how to acquire them. It's a very very good place to be. I dont think I have been this happy since before Mama died.

anyway.... im off to grab a few winks of sleep.... unless of course, something good is on tv. :)

2009-01-29T07:12:00.000-08:00

Well this is my first post of the new year.... that's sad.

Oh on a fun note.... I am marking my calendar - ok.... I know I have said in the past that I would never go to Dragon Con.... but apparently I lied because I will be in attendance at Dragon Con 2009. Labor Day Weekend in Atlanta..... join me?

Work is moving right along. The hotel and liquor store and moving right along as well. :) I'm a busy bee... but it's fun, so I guess I really can't complain.

I am still painfully addicted to Diet Coke. I heard a rumor that Boondock Saints will have a sequel. I could shit myself I am so excited.... BDS was the best frikkin movie ever.

2008-12-31T14:04:00.000-08:00

Ok.... so out with the old and in with the new.... my New Years Resolutions!!! Yeh - there is a whole list. The idea behind that is incase I fail at many of them... odds are good, i will achieve a few... ok, at least one. :)

1. Eat Healthily. Fresh veggies, lean meat, more fish, whole grains. You know, the kinda diet that will have me on the toilet 5 or 6 times a day.

2. Exercise, in some capacity, every day.

3. Quit smoking (this makes the exercise easier and I'll save money)

4. Be debt free by Jan 2010

5. Buy a car

6. Get a tan (maybe a real tan... who knows)

7. Have really long (not weirdo religious long) hair... and put some extra blonde in :)

8. Make a budget and stick to it.

9. Go hiking at least once

10. Go kayaking at least once

11. Cook new ethnic foods

12. Bring lunch to work more often

13. Be a better blogger

14. Go to a concert

15. See DKM live

16. Take a road trip with Jodi

17. Reconnect with old friends

18. Recycle (eh... maybe ;) )

19. Bake bread on a regular basis

20. seek out new music

21. Have my kitchen stocked the way I want it to be stocked (kitchen wares, etc)

22. Unleash my inner Martha Stewart

23. Write more

24. Do most of my 43 things list

25. Shop at sales and refuse to pay MSRP

26. Get in a fight. Just kidding, but the Tyler Durden in me is aching to come out :)

And since I am 27, I'll throw one more in for good measure....

27. Take the time to enjoy life more, experience life more, live better, live well, and make the kind of memories that I hold on to from college - with good friends and family... the crazy nights that make me laugh now.... that would make 2009 a really great year.

Oh hell... 28. get things in order so I can prepare to go to Grad School. Yep. Thats it.

:) Happy New Year!

2008-12-18T16:16:00.000-08:00

Wow. I had made the decision to become a better blogger... and here I am a month between updates.... and not for lack of drama.

I cried like a baby watching P.S.ILove You.... possibly the saddest movie ever. I was telling my Dad "It's wonderful, but dont watch it. It's so fuckign sad" This isn't the time of year to be watching all this depressing shit. I can't take it... at least not without a few bars of Xanax.

Sad fact: a columbine memorial of 15 crosses (for the 13 murdered and 2 suicides) was erected. Some parents of one of the victims took down the crosses for Eric Harris and Dylan Kelbold. It struck me as being monumentally sad. I don't think they were monsters. I just think they were two boys so full of hate they didn't know what to do. I dont think that they realized that we are all broken, defeated, abandoned, neglected, and a little crazy. I think that part of them gnawed away at everything good that was left in them.

Sad fact: I have yet to win the lottery.

Happy Fact: My nephew is the most adorable little thing. He makes me smile just thinking about him.

2008-11-18T08:53:00.000-08:00

It's National Don't Drink the KoolAid Day. :)

2008-11-17T10:36:00.001-08:00

Well, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that OBama is going to be the next president. It still blows, if you ask me, but I am a McCainiac. :) Oh well. All I can do now is support him since he will be the next president.

I'm not into having blind faith in people. People had blind faith in Hitler and look how that turned out. I saw a cat that looked like Hitler. It was funny...but it was a cat - I mean, really... how much damage can a domesticated cat do in the grand scheme of things. World domination? floods? famine? I don't think so. Now, I have heard tale that perhaps OBama is the anti-christ. After careful consideration, I have decided that this is untrue.

My reasoning is simple. If the Son of Satan were to show up in modern society ala Nicolai Carpathia, I really don't think he would be some junior senator. I mean, come on. I think that he has already come and gone. Clearly the Anti-Christ was here in the 80s and developed parachute pants. Look at old pics of MC Hammer or yourself in elementary and high school. Those pants were more than just a fashion faux pas. Something sinister was a foot. Perhaps all that extra leg room was for smuggling souls into the next plane.... and we didn't even know it.

Ah, and look at me ramble. I am trying to finish up some work... clearing off the desk. It's nice when you see desktop instead of piles of shit on the desk.

I'm going to Barnwell this weekend. Happy happy joy joy.

2008-11-05T07:54:00.000-08:00

I could never run for President or any kind of public office for that matter. I have too shady a past ;) I wouldn't want to concede. Seriously... how amazing was McCain's speech!!??!! I couldn't have done that. My version would have been more like this:

Ok, so, that asshole who has been talking shit about me for the last couple of months thinks he beat my ass, but what he doesn't know is that I think some more ballots are coming in. That's right... some more ballots. And these ballots all say "John Mccain". You heard me.... all of them. And I didn't want to have to bring in the big guns, but we are at the critical hour now... so, I know it's 10:00 and California's polls are closed.... but I say we hang out here and wait until every last ballot is counted. Yep, you heard me right. That should turn things around. And if for some reason unbeknownst to me (I have always wanted to use the word unbeknownst in public) I will unleash my final secret weapon.... a stringarm tactic long known to be effective by the Republican party. Chuck Norris. Yes, you heard me right. Chuck Norris is on standby. He is ready, willing, and more than able to kick some ass tonight if he has to. Recount. We will demand a recount and Chuck Norris will be watching you count the votes... all of you, all across the US, all at the same time... he can do it - he's Chuck Norris. I'm gonna say this one time and one time only.... Stop calling me and telling me to concede... saying it's over. It's not over. It will not be over until John McCain is in the White House.

2008-11-03T14:13:00.000-08:00

Dear People in Pennsylvania,

Please vote for McCain - Palin.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Citizen
Retarded USC Girl

2008-10-17T05:49:00.001-07:00

It's FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!! Oh thank God! I dont think this week could drag on any longer.

I read the new Succubus book. It was called umm... shit, let me remember.... Succubus Dreams. It is by Richelle Mead. I think it might be the perfect book. Very, very, amazingly good. I loved it.

It was chilly this morning when I left the house around 7:30. It's nearly 9 and it's warm out, but I still live with hope that we will have a nice, long winter. I love winter. More to the point - I love Fall. It is the most beautiful time of year. I was talking to Aunt Berta the other day and we decided that Thanksgiving is our favorite holiday. You are with your friends and family - it is absolutely beautiful outside, you get to eat a shit load of really great food (depending on whose house you end up at I guess) and you dont have to worry about buying any gifts. I like that.

Some people are already in the Christmas mood. Shit, at Walmart - if you go in to buy halloween candy, you can already pick up all your Christmas needs. That is depressing. Let me enjoy Halloween first. I really love halloween. I do. It was one my mom's favorite holiday next to Christmas. I always think of her around this time of year... she loved it. But - why must we try and fastforward everything to Christmas. You miss out on all the good stuff when you fastforward everything.... exept the movie previews and shit... you have to fast forward through those.
...and commercials....
...but not like trunk monkey commercials :)

Ah, it's a Friday.... and there is definitely a nap in store for me. :)

2008-10-14T09:25:00.000-07:00

I'm still trolling Craig's List looking for weirdos. It's a new hobby. Seriously. This morning, I was checking out the saddest folks in Topeka. Seriously - it was so damn sad. Who seriously wears a red and black animal print speedo? It's just not ok.

Ah, it's Tuesday.... and Tuesday are notorious for sucking. :)

Off to lunch....

2008-10-07T12:17:00.000-07:00

So I am now totally infatuated with Carrie Bradshaw's new apartment. Well, it's her old apartment, but it has been redecorated. I concede, I am a Sex and the City purist, but I must admit, I loved the new look. At first, well, at first I was like "WTF Man!!!" It just wasn't Carrie, but then I had to realize that it would be kinda sad for a 40 year old to be living in that same shabby chic home with flea market finds. Not that that is so bad, necessarily - I mean, I LOVED the original apartment..... it was like the fabulous vintage labels that Carrie would hunt for and then make it seem new..... but the new look - oh, it's just so fabulous.

Ah... hmf..... let's see... not much else has been going on. I've been working... same ole same ole... you know the drill. :)

It's only Tuesday.... and I'm already desperate for the weekend to get here. :)

2008-09-30T06:05:00.000-07:00

So, let me see where to begin....

Um... how about at Orlando? I flew to Orlando for a meeting for work. It was fun. The hotel was nice. I'll steal some pics from the hotel's website for you. I really recommend the hotel....The Gaylord Palms. .. it is beautiful. There is a bar that is a sailboat... it's impressive. BUT - I stayed in the KeyWest section and so my room was a little ghetto in decor. I was sitting on the toilet looking around at the beautiful cream colored tiles, granite countertops.... and then these god awful lime green... flourescent lime green squares all over the bathroom walls. It was like they stamped wallpaper. It was not good. Martha Stewart would have shit and fell in it.

So last night Mockolate came over and we watched Sex and the City. I cried through most of it. Ah, such an amazing movie.

All in all - things seem to be going pretty well lately. Life = almost on track :)

2008-09-11T14:14:00.000-07:00

It's a bleak anniversary. I hate that. Remembering something awful. Something too awful to forget. Something you shouldn't forget.

I remember September 11th 2001. It would have been a really average day at USC.... I was going to my computer class in Swearingen with the professor with the fucked up shoes and I passed my brother on the street and he told me a second plane had hit the WTC.

They have been playing all kinds of 9/11 documentaries this month. I watched United 93 and cried like a bitch. It was just so awful. I can't fully comprehend the tragedy.... that profound sorrow. People jumping... I can't imagine having that kind of courage to choose your fate. Burn? Be crushed? or free fall for a few seconds? The absolute terror. It makes my stomach hurt.

So, I found this picture in all the 9/11 stuff floating on the web. It's hopeful. I like that. I am not religious... not churchy in the least, but I have faith in things greater than myself. Sometimes having faith is the hard part.... especially in the event of tragedies... but I digress.

So, a funny story... that relates. Ok, so when I was back at USC, I was in my dorm, Bates West, in the laundry room. There was a tv in there that you could see from the hall. So the tv is on the History channel. And it's showing a scene of tall buildings being bombed and pancaking much like the towers. This is post 9/11 mind you. This was some time around 2002/2004. Ok, so Jimmy walks past the entry to the laundry room then bolts back inside the room.... looking at the tv saying "OMG WHAT"S HAPPENING!!!???" It cracked me the fuck up. I mean, the shit was in black and white - classic history channel material here. It was awesome. I did laugh my ass off. Granted, I should have cut him some slack. He was actually in NY on the true 9/11. ;)

So there's some humor. I'm afradi that is about all you get on this topic. There is really nothing much you can say about assholes flying planes into buildings. But watching United 93, I have to admit... those people were a hell of a lot braver than me and you cant help but be really fucking proud of them. Damn.... that really must have sucked.

2008-09-10T12:31:00.000-07:00

I overheard someone say that they didnt get any kind of payment for being a good person - no positive reciprocation. Bad karma. You know, I thought that way too... until about a minute ago when I heard it said outloud. It was like the words floated in the air with a holy shit vibe circling wildly around them.

The answer: I think your life sucks right now because you want there to be reciprocation. Are you really only a good person just because you think you will be rewarded for it?

I have honestly come to that point where I realize full well that is not how the system works. If you are good - good for you, but don't think that all the glory and wonders of the world will fall into your lap because of it. Your prayers are not answered! Big deal. I want to just shake the person and say "Well. Did it ever occur to you that in the grand scheme of things - your prayer really didn't matter.... it was inconsequential in the long run... either that or God doesn't exist." hee hee that kills me.

I think that its easy to be a good person when the world is going your way, but when you are down and out and the world has really made you shit and fall in it - you would just rather say "Fuck You" and be on your way.

I dunno.... I have just never really heard an adult say that before.... to verbalize it. I mean - outloud to other people... to cry over it.... "I'm a good person... my life sucks. it's not fair!" There is no fair. We are not guaranteed fair. Fair is an idea we created to make ourselves feel better.

Everyone's life turns to shit at some point. Wow, I am quite the cynical philosopher. My mom died. My Dad married a retarded psycho whore. Went nuts himself. Divorced her. I had a mental break I believe... panic attacks, enough Xanax to kill a small horse...

I would love to say that I believe we all find our way through it, but in truth - a handful of us will off ourselves. A few will mire through the muck and find that fairness .... that reward. The rest of us will stay trapped in the shit with no hope of rescue. I think, in the end, all you can do is get comfortable with where you are. Realize that you might be the one to stay stuck or the one to off himself.... but keep the hope that you will be the one who makes it out.... Hope is a powerful instrument.

2008-09-09T11:28:00.000-07:00

So my planes stayed in the air. Woo hoo. :)

Ok. A few hours before I flew out, I told my brother the story of me calling for sympathy and Daddy telling me his plane lost an engine over the Canadian Rockies. Dad came over not an hour or so after I told Larry that story. So, I just knew my plane was gonna crash and they were teasing me. Well, Larry said since I was going out on a DC-8 - it was probably flown in Normandy. My Dad pipes up and says, "Mine was". Larry just laughed and I knew he was thinking about Dads plane stories. I get no sympathy - zero. He has been through war, his jeep exploded, he crashed his car, he drank too much, his plane lost an engine. No sympathy in sight. :)

Chicago was fun. I met some really neat people in the airport.... I got lost on the subway for like 3 hours.... it was fun. Chicago is really pretty.... a neat city - very Capone-esque.

I called Seth today just to make sure he was still alive. He answered and affirmed that he was indeed alive. Woo Hoo.

I'm back at work today. I took a sick day yesterday. Headache from hell.... Wore pajamas to CVS to get Excedrine Migraine.... weird something or other going on in my mouth.... and charlie horse cramps all over.... I'm sure it looked amusing.....

So enough bitchin and moanin... I'm ok today.

Cindy and Cody surprised me by cutting my grass.

Observation: I am so blessed. Seriously.... God has given me incredible friends, family... I dont know what I would do without them. I really dont.

:)

2008-08-25T10:53:00.000-07:00

So I fly out tomorrow.
I'm posting my flight info on here in case one of my planes should go down. Morbid thought? maybe.... but I had this dream where I was decapitated the other night.... actually Larry was driving and we broadsided like a white FedEx truck.... but hey... too coincidental for me. So, if you see any of these flights on the news.... hopefully... I will be that bad ass chick dancing on the wing saying "Mother fucker. Can you fucking believe this shit? Woo hoo!"

Augusta to Charlotte: US Air Flight 4138
Charlotte to O'Hare: US Air Flight 1788
O'Hare to Charlotte: US Air Flight 3203
Charlotte to Augusta: US Air Flight 4229

...but incase I'm the dead body they find twisted by the rutter.... Jodi, you know my passwords - I want one of those bad ass Youtube memorials - make it look like you really miss me and dress it up so I look like an awesome person and that my death is a tragedy for the world. You know - fake it. If my body isnt charred too bad.... and I'm passable for alive.... (get a drag queen to do my makeup ... if they can cover up 5 oclock shadow - they can cover the valley of the shadow of death) and take me out.... drinking.... who knows... hook me up to some strings so I can nod my head and shit... well so you can nod my head. that would be awesome!

Ok, in all seriousness, I am really hoping my plane stays in the air.... but my last flight. The last leg back from Phoenix was ROUGH. I called Daddy when we landed in Savannah and i was freaked out and he said "Thats nothing! Once,my plane that lost an engine over the Canadian Rockies!" No sympathy.

So, pray for my flights.... may we take off and land without incident. Or, if we have an incident let it be a cool one... like we take out a fence or something.... ;)

Other than preparing for this... I have been busy at work... and thats about it.

2008-08-12T06:30:00.000-07:00

Wow. I havent posted in ages. I have, however been tooling around CL lately looking for weirdos. I'm serious.... it's amazing how many are out there.

Nothing major has been going on, hence the lack of updates. Things are just strolling right along.

I'm working. ...working...working.... and trying to grab some sleep when I can.

I had a conversation about someone waxing his asshole the other day. I have to admit - Im on pens and needles pending the outcome. Realistically, it is not gonna be good. In fact, it could be quite bad -BUT he tells such great stories. I'm sure there will be a great "SO this one time when I was waxing my ass..." story that will come out of it.

Gas is down to $3.86. When I was in highschool.... gas was 99 cents a gallon. It makes me feel old. I have been feeling old a lot lately. Especially when my monitor asked me how old I was and I had a total brain fart. In that moment, I couldnt tell her. I had absolutely no idea. Scary how sometimes when the synapses fire, you learn you are only shooting blanks. ;)

I'm still tooling arounf with the same old hobbies as before. Nothing new lately. It is summer and it's mercilessly hot these days. You pop out the building for lunch and poof you are soaked with sweat. It is absolutely gross.

But... it's August.... which means that soon... very soon, it will cool off and we will enter a time for open windows instead of air conditioners. I love that ... probably my favorite time of year. Cool during the day..... chilly at night. PERFECT.... and you have to admit.... it is beautiful in the autumn. Ah, sooner than later, my friends.... sooner than later....

2008-07-07T11:52:00.000-07:00

I have like an hour and 59 minutes until I am off work. I absolutely cannot wait. I am exhausted - in every sense of the word. I couldn't fall asleep last night - At ALL !!! I am dragging ass so bad today.

I saw Buck... woo hoo, I have sinusitis AGAIN. niiiice
so I'm starting the meds....
I will be done in a few days.,...

My eyes are closing just reading this..... I have tio go walk around the building or find some chocolate or something.....

Hope you are more conscious than I am :)

2008-07-01T05:56:00.000-07:00

The topic on the radio this morning was "The Perfect Summer Day". What do you absolutely HAVE to do each summer to feel complete?

They came up with shit like "Looking for fireflies" and "Playing stickball in the street". That just really is not my cup of tea, but it made me start thinking about summers past and well, summer present. So, here is what I want to do to have a "Perfect Summer Day".

I want to wake up early and drive down to the beach. I want to lay out on the beach while it is still early and not crazy-center-of - the - Earth - hot. I want a cooler with iced tea and an egg salad sandwich like we used to have at the beach when we were kids. Mom made great egg salad in this huge tupperware bowl. I want to get absolutely burned. Red as a cheap lipstick. Cooked. Then I want to get a vanilla milkshake on the way home.

Or buy something from an icecream truck... I love that.

Here is what will mostlikely happen: I will continue to spritz myself with fake tanner, take a shower, troll Craigslist for hours on end and then eat an icecream sandwich out of the freezer.

Tragedy :)

2008-06-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

Wow. I have fallen back into the habit of being a really bad blogger. Shame on me.

Updates:
I met a troll at the Days Inn last week.
I'm still a work-work-working machine
I found a Basset Hound on Craigslist... (Cause I am still a CL whore)
Drove to Hinesville with Dad to pick up dog... His name is Tank. He is precious
He was for Bowen... cause a boy needs a dog. He loves him. :) all together now: "Awwwww"

I did not do anything Watermelon Festival related... but I did get tipsy at the bar when I planned to go to the Taste of Hampton... so I guess that counts.... or not. I am just not into the whole Watermelon Festival thing.

My back went out last week. I smelled of icy hot and walked like I had a large object inserted in my Southernmost orifice.

My new clinical trial is up and moving.... slowly... very very slowly.

Life is going well... pretty darn well, actually... surprisingly enough.

So the 4th of July approaches.... I wonder if there will be a grilled veggie burger in my future?

2008-06-12T06:08:00.000-07:00

The new JR Ward book came out last week. It was fabulous. The one thing that bothered me about it was this: Phury has smoked in all the books,... he bought heroin once but opted not to use it. Yet, in this book - from the get-go he is a druggie, addict shmuck. That kinda annoyed me. I think when you really start getting into a series, you feel almost protective of the characters. I think Phury deserved a bit more of the being labeled an addict. The redsmoke is similar to weed I suppose and Wrath smoked it in the original and they all smoked it together in the Pit, granted, Phury is my favorite midnight toker. But - in the words of Bob Saget "Marijuana is not a drug. I sucked dick for coke!" And let me tell you - there is no way in hell that Phury sucked anyone's dick for some red smoke. Boo-yow, bitches.

:) But all in all - a really good book.

2008-06-05T06:44:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to Bob and Sheri. it's a great morning show. This morning they have an author on who wrote a book on how to find a husband. I hate that shit. What is their problem? It's so sad.

2008-06-02T08:40:00.000-07:00

I am already counting down the minutes until it's 5:00. As I type this, I have 309 minutes. Hm, that doesn't seem so bad when I see it in print. The first day back after a weekend is always slow.

This guy called in to the morning show I always listen to, he said that women want to be cherished and men want to be needed. How lame. He could be right, most women are retarded. Trust me. I think having guy friends keeps me level headed. Thank God for that.

I don't want to be cherished. I want to be a person, not an object. I want to do my own thing and be my own person. I want a guy that wants the same thing.... shared goals, but separate lives. That is why so many relationships fail - you meet this individual and like that person, but once you become an item - that's it. You know the type... It's the "We's". No more "Me". No more "Him" It's all "us" and "we". I hate that. Then you wake up one day and realize that the sum our your parts are greater than the whole and all you have is the whole... no more great individual that could kick your ass at pool, but this "other half".

Ah, enough bitching today.

Hmmm, I need to do something fun today.

2008-05-27T08:30:00.000-07:00

Man... Let me tell you what happened....

So, yesterday, I discovered I had a tick on my leg... and in true "I'm not an outdoorsy girl" fashion, I completely freaked out. I am serious. It was such a tragedy. Here is this wee little thing like a giant sesame seed that sluffed off a whopper and onto my thigh.... that is usually where whoppers go (eventually anyway) Not that I get naked and rub whoppers on why thigh.... wow... I cant clean up this statement no matter what I do. Anyway... I see this thing... really tiny ... on my thigh and I freak out... I scratch at it with my nails... and its ass end goes up in the air, it's head still buried in my flesh. I am panting like a damn dog. I was so grossed out that I woudl have been embarassed if someone had seen me.

So, I call my Dad who tells me to set him on fire with a cigarette. That idea was a no go... I want him dead .. on the spot. Dad then tells me to paint him with fingernail polish... he will suffocate and fall out. Again, this was a no go. I wanted him out - immediately.

So, I call Jill. She is pretty outdoorsy. She would know what to do. She tells me to grab him with tweezers and yank him out. I puffed and moaned and smoked a few cigarettes while staring at my leg and contemplating my options... and finally, I tweezed him. I stuck his tiny little ass in a ziploc bag and brought him to work for inspection. Apparently, a tick is like a tapeworm - you have to kill the head.

Ah, but in greater news.... my new study is starting up. YAY! Ah, I need to enroll some patients!!! WOo HOO!

2008-05-20T05:51:00.000-07:00

Ok. The allure of Craigslist has yet to fade.

Jodi sent me the best damn thing to my phone yesterday. It is just an audio file that turns your speaker phone on and it says "Hi. this is Tammy at CVS Pharmacy. I am calling to let you know that the ANAL WART REMOVER CREAM you ordered is ready. We only have one case, I know you ordered two.,.. and I apologize for the inconvenience. ..." It is too funny. I ALMOST checked it in Piggly Wiggly.... thankfully, I checked it in the car. :) Precious. You can always count on Jodi!

Jodi is fearless. I'm serious. He can't swim to save his soul, the kid sinks like a stone, but he wants to go wakeboarding. You have to love the enthousiasm. :)

My new study is starting up. YAY! I need to enroll 20 people by July 31 (especially if I want some vacation time in June - I had better be like a randomizing machine!)

Life is moving along.... things are good. :)

Hope all is well in your world.

2008-05-12T08:33:00.001-07:00

I am so fucking tired - I can't even begin to describe the state of mind I am in.

I had absolutely NO sleep Wednesday night, Thursday night I had just over an hour of sleep. Friday night I went to bed at 12:30 and woke up at 3. Went back to bed at 4 and up at nine. Back and forth. back and forth. I had to hold on the the shower wall I was so exhausted Saturday. Last night I went to bed around 3:30. It's just so sad.... I LOVE sleep so much.... and apparently... we are not meant to be together. :(

I feel achy and exhausted.... so terribly sleepy.... it reminds me of this book I read back in HS or Middle school called "The Cheerleader" where this vampire could suck the life out of people and they would be all mopey with no energy and I am like "wow. I need to reread that book... i would really feel for those bitches now".

Ah, enough moaning and bitching....

Bowen is talking up a storm now apparently. Larry said he brought him something and he said "thank you, DaDa", Yesterday was "Mama day", He says "radio", When asked if he is ready to go to bed... he said "not yet". All together now... "Awwwwww". Shit like that just makes you smile.

So Mothers Day came and went without any fanfare. It is usually a tough holiday. I miss my mom. But this weekend was good... I guess. Her birthday is coming up - May 21 and then the day she died - May 31. I wish i could get to that point where it is just another day.... but it isn't. It just sucks... ah, such is life.

2008-05-08T10:57:00.000-07:00

When I say that I got absolutely no sleep last night - I mean it. Not one little wink. I am dying right about now. there is not enough caffeine (or nicotine for that matter) to keep me up right now. My spirit is flagging.... three more hours until I can bolt from here and into my soft, soft bed... where I will sleep for a good 12 hours straight I am sure. Oh, I can't wait.

I did watch "The Long Kiss Goodnight" last night. I haven't seen it in a while. GREAT FILM. Seriously - such a good movie. It went off at 5am. :(

I'm dragging ass today.

Odd happening: the other morning, I was sleeping and really didn't want to get up. I keep hitting snooze. Finally at 7am, I turned the alarms off and just laid there... closed my eyes and drifted back to sleep.... until i bolted to consciousness when I heard my mom say "Ashlyn!" Which was odd - since she has been dead almost three years. Needless to say... I got up.
:)

2008-05-05T07:52:00.000-07:00

Nice... very nice weekend! Too short though.
I need more sleep.
My hair is impossibly curly today... I have those 60s flip going on... ridiculous
There is life on craigs list
this is all you get for a Monday

2008-05-01T07:04:00.000-07:00

Wow. Here are the best men on the web... or Craigslist anyway:

Reply to: pers-653085134@craigslist.orgDate: 2008-04-23, 10:10AM EDTAre you a woman who has good bladder control? Like to hold it? Proud of your capacity? Like to challenge others to hold-it games? Enjoy swapping stories of desperate moments when you thought you'd burst? Entertained by the idea of a man who is aching to piss but you're making him wait to tease him? If you're into any of that or similar pee games and want to discuss, email me! I'd enjoy just exchanging some emails, however despite having an odd fetish, I'm also a romantic sort of guy, so if we ended up with some genuine interest who knows maybe a real meet or more?
http://savannah.craigslist.org/msr/653085134.html

I was scratching my head as I read a few ads that said m4t. was like Hmm... what is t?? Until I read this ad and realized the burgeoning tranny market on CL.

Reply to: pers-619267325@craigslist.orgDate: 2008-03-26, 11:35AM EDTSuper Cute & passable sexy pre op tranny Lookin' well-groomed white guys for safe fun. very tight... I luv clubbing and dancing. Please be nicely built, adventureous and drug/disease free.

Oh this is the best:
LIVE ON HORSE FARM WITH STALLIONS - m4mw - 40 (WARNER ROBINS)
Reply to: pers-663019712@craigslist.orgDate: 2008-04-30, 11:08PM EDTHAVE 11 BREEDING STALLIONS WITH BIG ONES, LOOKING FOR MALE AND FEMALE CPLS ONLY TO COME PLAY.. I CAN HOST IF NEEDED.....
http://augusta.craigslist.org/cas/663019712.html
http://savannah.craigslist.org/msr/619267325.html

2008-04-29T08:11:00.000-07:00

It's Tuesday.... despite all evidence to the contrary. It smells like Monday.

2008-04-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

It was a really lovely weekend. I watched countless episodes of "Sex and the City", napped, lounged, ate chocolate... really does it get any better than that? It was just a rainy, stormy weekend... and I watched from my window... and it was really nice.

I needed that kind of relaxing weekend. I made a pot of Miso soup yesterday. So -there is my lunch for today!

I am laying off the hose for a while. I figure once a week is enough.... maybe once a month. I have no idea how Princess Di did 3 gallons 3 times a week. That woman must have the constitution of a freight train. I just can't imagine. This colon chaos has to stop! ;)

I talked to Jodi for a long time Saturday night. He is too damn funny. We need to scrap our current lives and get jobs in Savannah. We need to live in the old S-A-V. Ah, the fun we would have :) I also need to win the lotto. Jodi and I keep crossing our fingers on that one.

2008-04-24T11:43:00.000-07:00

So we are all like colonic queens now - really, it's kinda sad... but there is nothing like the pride you feel when you can successfully hold two quarts of water in one sitting. :)

On a shittier note, pun intended: there are some people who are just miserable. I don't understand it. If I am having one of those days where I am just miserable, the last thing I want to do is make others miserable too. But - there is always going to be that one person in the building that can't stand for other people to have a good time. So very very sad. You can't help but feel sorry for someone like that. But then you can't feel sorry for them because we make our beds, don't we?

I have been watching Sex and the City a lot lately... ahh, it is such a good show. I am ready for the movie! Big - how can you not absolutely, head over heels LOVE that man? Ah, shame he isn't real.

So, I am giving the colon a rest tonight. I am going to Barnwell - as per usual towards the end of the week. Dad called after noon to tell me that he won't be in Barnwell - he has decided to go fishing. I'm glad he is getting out there and enjoying himself. Afterall, that is what life is all about.

So - staring in the face of miserable people everywhere - at work, in the grocery store, at the hospital today... everywhere.... I realize that I need to have more of those moments like my Dad is having - out and about having fun. I haven't done that lately.

So - here comes the question - what, exactly, am I going to do? Watch Grey's or CSI marathons while eating brownies that I will flush out of my ass later? No, no.... there must be more to life than this.... A concert. I think I need to go to a concert.... it has been too long. Or Bowling - I love to bowl, but I always injure myself... Hmm... I guess I will ust have to see where the weekend takes me.

2008-04-22T05:01:00.000-07:00

I have been entertaining the idea of getting a colonic for years now. Celebrities do it all the time. It cleanses the colon, eliminates toxins, and bada bing - helps you lose weight. I was not sure exactly how much hefty waste material was lurking in my body, weighing me down (one can always hope for 20 to 25 pounds when stepping on the scale, but what is realistic? One pound? two?) So, with these thoughts in mind - last night I was ass raped by a hose and roughly two quarts of enema solution.

How it works: Let's get the mysteries of colon cleansing out of the way. Yes, it is one of those experiences where not only do you lose waste, you also lose your diginity - slowly but surely.

Basically, you fill a bag that resembles a large IV bag with a solution of warm distilled water and the mixins of your choosing. For me, it was the Castile soap (I think next time I will go for the coffee enema.) The bag has a LONG hose on the end and a clip just like one would find on an IV to control the flow of water. For a faster flow - slide the clip over so that it is not pinching the line. For a slower flow, well.. you get the idea. Now, hang the bag. The gravity metric here is scarily similar to a beer bong.

Now you have a host of positions to try. Lying on your back to fill the descenfing colon... then flipping to your side to fill the ascending colon - all while somehow massaging the abdomen and managing to not shoot this water back out of your ass.

It is always touted in the media as feeling great... And I guess it does if you really like having a shit pain followed by a "gotta get this hose out of my ass right now" moment.

So, let me just sum up the experience by saying this: It was not as bad as I was anticipating. In fact, I think the novice experience is likely to be less than perfect for everyone. All in all - not too shabby, but I don't want to turn into one of those ladies that sits home on weekends giving myself enemas. This is not a lifestyle.

However, I could have done a few things differently.

1. I could have realized sooner that you really do need to control the flow of the solution (that clip is there for a reason)

2. I could have recognized the sensation where the hose is about to fly out of my ass (and stopped the water flow a few seconds BEFORE that.

3. I could have read ALL the directions a little more carefully

4. I could have realized that you may not be able to "take it all"... at once. 2 quarts is a LOT of water.

... and finally....
5. I could have realized that you should let all the air out of the hose BEFORE you begin.

See - Carrie Bradshaw never had to write about enemas - this is what desperate for material must look like :)

2008-04-17T13:49:00.000-07:00

So I read the best thing ever today - EVER! I was trolling through personal ads - 'tis what I do when I get bored. Ok... this is the man for me. lmfao. "The perfect woman: flat head, 3'6", sturdy ears, no gag reflex, turns into a cheeseburger at midnight."

It just made me laugh. I mean - at least he is honest.

Oh, and apparently I am old school. I read that now "LOL" stands for "loser on line" SCARY how quickly the tide turns. :)

2008-04-08T07:13:00.000-07:00

You know what is kinda scary?

I have noticed myself using the following words/phrases to excess lately:

"We are kickin ass and takin names"

"We rock out with our cocks out"

"Bo"

"Dude"

"Fuck"

"Man"
:)

2008-04-07T15:45:00.000-07:00

I was reading this article today: http://www.cspinet.org/olestra/pbg.html

My absolute favorite line is "What's more, people who ate moderate amounts of olestra also had to contend with stained underwear from "greasy feces." That gives a whole new meaning to the term "snack attack."

Is that not about the best thing you have ever read? It's now my gmail status message. I laughed my ass off.... thankfully, I hadn't consumed too much Olean, or according to the article, I may have soiled my seat.

2008-04-07T10:52:00.000-07:00

Ok.. here is a total random happening. Do you ever forget that people exist? For instance, you hung out with someone in college ages ago and forgot you knew him until someone mentions their name and then you are like "oh. fuck. I remember him!"

Well, I was reading this little local paper that is a monthly rag for local happenings like rotary awards and "how to plant sugar cane". So, I am reading this update from the Rec dept because I am wanting to take a cake decorating class.... So, they congratulate this guy on getting his second degree black belt. Well, I crack up - it's someone I knew in college... who partied with us.... and I had completely forgotten that he existed. But once I saw the name, all these details came roaring back. For instance -

This is the guy who I have a pic of somewhere in my room at my parents' house called "the Bj dog pic"

This is the guy who went the wrong way on 278 and ended up in Augusta - not Hampton

This is the guy who got REALLY drunk at Spring Break in Bluffton and said "I'm GAY"

This is the guy who dropped his cigarette in his piss (again when he was REALLY drunk and picked it back up and smoked it)

This is the guy who drove and Audi. I wrote on it in glass chalk "For Sale $500" and his cell phone number hee hee hee

This is the guy who taught Kimmie Pig Latin (also known as Bulgarian Porcina) Ev-Ro-Let-Chay (reading a tailgate)

This is the guy that asked the question that led to Kimmie's reply, "Ah. It's about me fingering this black guy's asshole... you don't even want to know!"

Ah. Craziness. The weird thing is that he was a fun dude. We always had fun when we partied with him. When we went to USC - he went to MUSC and we all lost touch. crazy crazy world.

I wonder how many other people I have forgotten about - and how many have forgotten about me.....

2008-04-03T05:12:00.000-07:00

Today is a day for drama. I mean that literally actually... we are going to have some drinks, some dinner, and see "South Pacific" @ the Palmetto Theatre tonight... it should be a lot of fun. I miss doing theatre... it has been freakin ages!!!

But more drama afoot... So, imagine calling someone - several times.... texting that same person several times... all with no reply... no answer.... just rolling to voicemail or sending a random text out into the abyss that is alltel/verizon/suncom/ad nauseum.... all over like a two week period. Finally... you just stop calling... you just stop texting... I mean, why bother someone who obviously does not want to talk to you (for whatever reason unbeknownst to you). Guys usually do this when they start dating someone - they ditch their female friends at the drop of a hat. But I digress...

So imagine the surprise of the unanswered caller/texter when there is finally a response... granted, a very delayed response... that occurs about a week or so after all calls and texts stopped being sent. Its all in the course of one day (he must have been bored and others must have been busy) - you check your email, as per usual - and you have an email. Your phone rings that morning.... and to top it all off, you get a text that night that says "r u not talking to me?"

Quite the opposite! You havent "been talking" to me for like 2 weeks... so forgive me for being a bit miffed! So I reply "Um. I talk to u but I havent heard from u in like 2 wks" and then I call... no answer (imagine that) "It is like you are morally opposed to replying to a txt or answering the phone when you see its me" So this morning - the reply is in an email "K. I wont bother u anymore".

So - apparently, it is my fault. ;) I swear.... sometimes, I just want to reach through the computer and strangle people....

2008-04-01T11:56:00.000-07:00

So there are different levels of hotness. There are the ones you think are cute. The ones you think are hot and then the ones you just lust after. The question has recently arisen: How can you be sure that you are really attracted to good looking people? Apparently.... anyone I think is hot - majority does not concur.

For instance.... there is this sweet little piece... a pediatrician from Beaufort that comes into the office on thursday.... He is hot. Apparently... I am the only one in the office that REALLY sees it. So, we were having a conversation one day and brought up another individual I found seriously attractive - only to discover that, yet again, apparently no one else saw it.

Well, I know that opinions vary and we just consider the decision of the majority to be correct. I wasnt going to settle for that. There is a higher power - a governing body that reigns supreme on judging hotness - The Gay Guys. So, I went on myspace and found the page of a dude I hooked up with years ago who I always thought was "gorgeous". I mean... if the Gays think he is fugly - I will have to accept that my hottie compass does not always point north.

So I gmailed the link.... and I sat patiently.... waiting for the verdict. Is he hot enough for a gay guy? I mean - just on the physical - what constitutes hot? Am I really into ugly dudes and I just don't know it? Is all the primo ass I thought I had over the years just a myriad of nerds and uggs? Am I a dork magnet and I dont even know it?

... Well, the verdict was in.... I double checked to make sure I was reading it right. With a new wave of optimism, I will go on grabbing hotness where I can find it... because the Gays concur - a bonafide good looking individual! SWEET!

2008-03-31T13:25:00.000-07:00

So this weekend was an absolute blast. We had awesome Thai food last night and I had 3 glasses of wine... see, I am pacing myself. :)

So, funny story - I heard a pastor actually say, "..before I could give them the ole up, down, left, right..." I thought that was precious.

Ok, so Sharon and Dr. Shealy went to this Asian market in Savannah on Saturday. While Sharon is paying, Dr. Shealy gathers up all the bags of groceries and heads to the car. When they get home, Sharon is unloading and starts laughing. She sees that he not only grabbed their groceries, he also grabbed the clerk's lunch. It was a 12 inch sub from Kroger.

So, I got to work today... and I decided it would be really cute to write a retarded article about it and edit a WSAV.com page and paste my story on... print blah blah blah. I found a police sketch on google that in some small way resembled Dr. Shealy. Then I printed it to look as if we printed it off the web.... and Buck took it over there under the premise that he saw the story on the news last night and printed it because the police sketch looked just like Dr. Shealy. :)

Series of Hate Crimes Emerge

Police Chief Michael Berkow has implemented numerous programs in Chatham County to address the problems of drug and violent crimes. In 2006, Berkow increased the number of officers providing neighborhood patrols. He “cracked down on crack” in 2007 by bring officers into the schools to educate students on the dangers of drugs, graduating more students from the D.A.R.E. program than any previous year. Berkow says that more programs are on the way for 2008.

“What people must realize is that Savannah is safer, but it is not safe. Petty crimes are happening every day and now we are even bearing witness to a series of hate crimes springing up across Chatham County”, Berkow continues, “We have recently seen a string of events that were thought to be isolated incidents, but upon further investigation, the only logical assumption is that these incidents are in fact a series of hate crimes”.

In the past two weeks, clerks from Hong Tan Oriental Grocer, Asia Market, and Nam-Chau Oriental Food Market have all been victims of petty theft. It is believed that the same man is responsible for all incidents. Wan Lee, one of the victims states, “I was just minding my own business and ringing up a customer’s purchase when he grabbed my lunch and ran off to his car”. Upon viewing surveillance footage, Chief Berkow reports that the man was gathering groceries he purchased with the help of a female accomplice when he spotted the clerk’s lunch. It is apparent from the film that he clearly looks around before grabbing her lunch and darting out of the store.

Chief Berkow believes that Wan Lee was lucky that the man in question does not appear to be a violent offender. Ping Wu Tron, an employee of Asia Market remembered seeing a man matching the same description in his store. The man and his female accomplice walked through the store inspecting the merchandise and making racial slurs.

La Cantina, a Hispanic Grocery store in Port Wentworth has also reported similar incidents. Upon meeting with police, Juan Hernandez was able to provide police with a sketch of the suspect. Employees at Hong Tan Oriental Grocer, Asia Market, and Nam-Chau Oriental Food Market have all viewed the sketch and feel certain the same man is behind all of these crimes.
While no charges have been filed, Chatham County authorities are considering this man a person of interest in several open investigations. If you see this man, you are asked to call the Savannah Police Department at 912-651-6675.

2008-03-27T04:48:00.000-07:00

So my Dad is finally free of that snap trout whore he was married to! Yes, the divorce has been final for a while... however, his CDV case was dismissed. Ah, a sigh of relief. I went and saw my Dad last night. He is too funny. The sad thing is that I could not fall asleep until like 4am... had to get up at 6 to drag my ass to work... niiiice. :)

It's gonna be a good day though.

:)

2008-03-26T13:10:00.000-07:00

It is crazy when you troll the net and find random pics of yourself that you didnt realize existed. Ha. I forgot about this shit. This is a few summers back at 93.5. And that's "Pimp Daddy" I think he real name was Jamie? Funny stuff.

Anyway besides the randomness of the internet, nothing much has happened today. Funny thing I meant to mention.... Jason said something hillarious "yeh. he is straight. He likes it STRAIGHT up his ass!" Ah, it tickled me. :)

We attempted to eat lunch at Hoover Station in Hampton today. It was absolutely TERRIBLE. The chicken was absolutely charred and dry and really quite nasty... and we know I love to eat... when i eat less than 10 calories worth of chicken and send it back.... you know it's bad. The sad thing - we were starving when we got there. We had to wait FOREVER. Seriously... over 40 minutes to be seated.... and they weren't busy. But they will not seat you until a server is able to take your order... cause apparently you are less pissed when you are standing up for 30 minutes than sitting at a table?? craziness.

Anyway - it is Wednesday... hump day.... closer to friday.... ah, and I am ready for the weekend indeed!

2008-03-25T05:06:00.000-07:00

Last night, I watched "The Matrix" for the sole reason that Jodi has gotten me thinking about it. His sister is soon to give birth to a baby booy... named Neo. So, I am watching it - and it is still a really good movie. But, I started thinking, if I were Neo - things would have been different.

If I were Neo, first of all, I would have had a penis... but let's leave that aside. I would have been so pissed when my ass woke up on that broke ass ship that resembled a beat up ass version of the sub from "Hunt for Red October" minus one Mr. Connery. I would have been seriously pissed to go from cute, mussy hair to bald and sans eyebrows with big ass fucking holes all over my body. When Tank made me an empty sardine can full of runny ass grits... I would have realized I was living in a world without chocolate and would have asked them to kill me like the Matt Damon/Leonardo DiCaprio scene in "The Departed". "Kill me, just fucking kill me".

Now, it would be cool as shit to fly around and be Mr. Bad Ass in the all black while IN the Matrix, but my ass would never wanna leave. Fuck that ship. I would tell Morpheus that since I was The One, I felt I needed to be THE ONE who spent most of my day IN the Matrix. And while in the Matrix, I would rock it out.

So I guess the greater question is: Would you choose freedom if it meant you would ultimately suffer? You would struggle and fight and have your world turned upside down, but in the end, you would be free?

I think in a real world scenario, I probably would. I mean, I hope I wouldn't totally puss out, but in the Matrix - I dunno. I was watching this documentary on TV and this woman was a victim of a bombing. She had no idea where here child was because of the blast and she was crying for Sadam to come back because under him she knew what was going to happen and didn't live in fear.

Someone is always clammering for control - we are never really free. We like to believe that we are, but there will always be some governing body who decides what we can and cannot do. There will always be boundaries and borders which define how one must live his life. There will always be obligations that must be met in order to live freely or otherwise. And here is the kicker... even if you can escape the bounds of this world... bypass the rules... buy a small island and run it how you like, you still wont be free. You will be a slave to your conscience or whatever mental disorder chooses to rear its head.

Freedom, much like lack of cellulite, is just an illusion. Fat-free, Sugar-free - it looks ok, but when you taste it, you know something is amuck.

2008-03-24T11:42:00.001-07:00

some people never cease to amaze me...

2008-03-24T06:48:00.000-07:00

We live in such a crazy mixed up world. Our gender roles are usually so well defined. We have seperate products for the sexes. We use the same products they just have different names or colors: deodorant, body wash, razors, socks (i meancome on, a white sock is a white sock). We have energy bars that are designed for men even. It's ridiculous. Then there are the crossover products like Aveeno lotions and facial cleansers by Clearasil. We use the same types of toothpaste and we buy unisex tshirts.

Then I grab a box of Pamprin (they were out of Midol) and I read the warning label "do not take if you have trouble urinating due to an enlarged prostate". How many chicks with cramps have a prostate? This is like drag queen advil. Then I call Jodi and tell him about the label. He informs me that he takes Midol for headaches because it works so fast. I guess this is the new crossover product. Either that or Jodi is ahead of his time.

Speaking of ahead of his time.... does anyone remember Hypercolor t-shirts?

So, I am taking the Pamprin which means I am in a generally foul mood. Retaining water, wanting chocolate, nauseated, and bloated. Oh yes... this is sexy. Men have it so easy. I want to have elective surgery to remove my uterus. Come on - let's take it away! Hysterectomy please! Not a complete... leave the ovaries... I dont want to have to wake up and shave a beard in the morning. But hey.... the good side of having a period - it means I am not preggers and ya just cant argue with that!

So we went out Friday night. I had the day off work... I lounged and watched movies and then went out to Bomb's Away which is this total hole in the wall bar. We had a really nice time and the band was really good. I drank really really delicious and cold Yuengling. I drank too much of it... but it was SO worth it.

There was this dude in the bar that apparently can pull mad ass. I have no idea why. I would have to drink a case of Yuengling.. no, no make it PBR and then still have to take an entire pallet of horse tranquilizers to want to bang that dude. I mean - damn. There must be some seriously desperate women in Hampton County.

Sadly... I am such a nerd. This became obvious as we are sittin in the bar and I am profiling patients for an upcoming study. :) Jill pointed out this one dude in the bar and I was like "OMG I would never sleep with anyone who would qualify for Crescendo". She was like "Holy Shit. I think you might be right. Pull his chart on Monday". We are "company girls" :)

Easter came and went without the usual pastels and fan fare. I ate a Milky Way. It was insanely delicious. I got on the scale this morning only to discover I gained two pounds. Apparently, the nougat in the Milky Way was really Quickrete. I am banking the two pounds on the Hoover Dam I am retaining. Niiice.

Anyway, it was a nice long weekend. I had a really nice time just lounging, relaxing, drinking too much, eating too much, (ah 'twas such a Roman Holiday).

I have this internal chorus now... no longer an internal monologue.... and it's all Beatles songs... thanks to "Across the Universe".

2008-03-20T13:48:00.000-07:00

So it was a day today.... a pretty good day actually.... in spite of all things to the contrary. Oh, where should I begin? Perhaps with me misreading the laxative bottle? No, maybe with the pitbull that contemplated attacking me at lunch? No, no, let me start with the crabs...

So last night I ate crabs for dinner. They were delicious. Brian had given them to Jill.. she brought me a ton of them. Very delicious. I am on my way home last night and I stop to get pliers so I can crack them open. So I get home and steam them and stand at the counter and take them out of the pot with tongs... plop them on the counter and crack them open with my pliers. I eat until I hurt. I LOVE crabs. It's like a 45 minute process. Well, I am so stuffed that I clean up the kitchen and go straight to bed.

As I am lying in bed, I realize that I havent backed the brown caddy out of the garage in a few days. Dr. Welcker recommended Colace every day while on the uppers. So, I bought a bottle of Colace a few weeks ago. Last night I read the dose 2-4 for an adult. Since I have a pretty high tolerance to laxatives... let alone this mild ass stool softener (which doesnt make you go - but makes it easier when you go) I decided to take 4.

I wake up at 2 o clock on the verge of tears. My stomach is in so much pain. I just know the crabs were bad. I am on and off the pot like a hooker on various penises throughout the night. Finally around 3:30, I grab the bottle of Colace and really read it... REALLY read it. Yeh, I bought Peri-Colace.... it is a stool softener with a STIMULANT LAXATIVE. It was awful man....

So I am feeling better this AM. I go for a walk at lunch. This fucking pit bull keeps charging me and hitting my leg with his snout then running off. I was like "WTF am I gonna do??" He left me alone and went on to harrass another walker.

But it's Thursday... and it's my Friday. Happy Easter!

2008-03-19T11:38:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is my Friday. Wow, it's nice having a short week. The Easter bunny is on his way! I really would like some chocolate... yum. Instead, I think I will down some bland ass granola. Hey, that which doesn't kill me will give me a smaller ass.

On Easter I like to watch Willie Wonka and the Chocolate factory... or Charlie n the Chocolate Factory... whatever it's called. The original - not the Johnny Depp trippin ass wonka flick. I can only watch that movie twice a year - Easter and Halloween because I tend to have a shitload of chocolate on hand. I begin eating when the movie starts... I mean the initial intro credits, etc... and I dont stop till I am in pain. Ah, traditions....

I always liked Easter. Mom was crazy about any holiday involving chocolate. Our baskets were ridiculously loaded down with the goodies and even as an adult - it was always nice.

This year I plan to stay in Hampton and maybe eat some Lean Cuisine Mac n Cheese - who knows, I may go all out and eat a piece of 96% fat free ham!!!

Dieting near the holidays totally sucks ass... but this ass is out of control, so I really can't complain.

I have been trying to join this gym near work. Here is the problem: the number on their sign is disconnected. Scary. But its like a block from work - i drive past it twice a day....

So, I'll close here since this post has been thoroughly boring and I am turning into one of those girls who can only talk about how much or little she eats or works out. SCARY. FORGIVE ME.

2008-03-17T08:07:00.000-07:00

So, as far as weekends go - this one was awesome. I seriously had a GREAT time.

Friday:
Off at noon. Went to the beach. Found over 20 sand dollars (or sea dollars as this yank affectionately called them) and a big ass conch shell.
Went to my dads

Saturday:
Cleaned Dad's house in the AM
Went back to Hampton.
Jodi came and had dinner at the Shealys
We cooked some really amazing Thai food - it was so delicious and worth every calorie
Came home and we looked at people's reactions to 2girls1cup on ebaums

Sunday:
We ate pancakes and then decided to head to the beach. It was gorgeous! We walked and walked and walked.... and realized we had walked way too far and we were tired and still had to turn around and walk back to the car.
We ate lunch at Johnson Creek Tavern - super yum
We took pics at Gay Fish Company
Stopped at Old Sheldon Church
I watched "across the universe" which was really very good
and then fell asleep early - happy and exhausted

The only thing that would have made the weekend better - having today off and maybe a piece of ass. This Celibate Suzy shit is gettin kinda old.

I miss my Jodi so much. He is too much fun. We had a really great weekend. It is hard to believe that we have been friends since the 6th grade... eons ago. I remember the 6th grade us.... the highschool us.... the post high school us... the college us.... the post college us.... the current us is much the same... only I think we got cooler with age. I wonder what the 30-something-us will be like...? Hmmm, we are hoping we will be these ultra cool Powerball winners who rock it out at every opportunity, but in case that doesnt happen... I'm still not worried. I have a feeling that we are gonna be fine.

Great, great, weekend

2008-03-13T05:14:00.000-07:00

I have always been scared of pills getting stuck in my throat. This is one of the reasons I take the basic Ibuprofen instead of the Advil LiquiGels (eventhough they are AWESOME) - its small and round and I cant choke on it.

Well, that being said, I am taking a multivitamin every day. Yesterday was the one week anniversary of that health kick. Well - these things are huge! So, I was a little wary. Well, this morning, my fear was finally realized. The damn thing like jackknifed in my throat and instead of slipping right down, it decided to fall on it's side and go down.... which promptly made me cough it and a quarter cup of diet coke into my hand.

So it was kinda gross - but no where near as painful as I had anticipated. :)

I am feeling much better today. Ah, antibiotics! Where would we be without them.... well, besides dead?

The Jodi is coming up this weekend. YAY! I am so glad to see his ass... it feels like it has been ages!

I'm trying to convince myself to join a gym. I keep telling myself that if I join this gym I could work out before work and then have no excuses as to why my lazy ass doesn't get enough exercise. After work I am sleepy or have other shit to do..... Ah, but let's be honest - is my lazy ass really gonna wake up at the ass crack of dawn to huff it on some stairmaster or eliptical? Is it really safe to play with heavy weights that early in the AM? Ah, excuses, excuses....

2008-03-12T12:51:00.000-07:00

So I haven't exactly been feeling great the last couple of days. I went to see Buck today to get him to fix me - as apparently, I am broken. My sinuses, etc are running amuck. So I went to the pharmacy across the way and got my prescriptions filled. How sweet is this - they gave me a free t-shirt. Ah, you have to love good marketing!

So I am already feeling better - health is so psychosematic for me.

I am being Miss. Calorie Conscious since Saturday night we are gonna party at the Shealy's and I will consume massive calories in the form of alcohol and ethnic food. Yum.

I am ready for the weekend. I am going to my Dad's Friday afternoonish to clean his house. Then JODI is coming up on Saturday! I am so ready to see him.

All of this, of course, is going to happen after I win 230million USD with my PowerBall ticket tonight. :)

I'm feeling better. Things are falling into perspective ... and today, well... it's a good day.

2008-03-10T06:53:00.000-07:00

So Phoenix was awesome. We had a really great time. The flight from Atlanta to Savannah (the absolute last leg of the flight) was crazy turbulent. Seriously... I kept thinking we weren't gonna make it. It was honestly really scary. So we get off the plane and I call my Dad to tell him we made it. I relay the details of the harrowing ordeal. He says, "That's nothing. Once, my plane lost an engine over the Canadian Rockies". I guess engine failure trumps turbulence. He wins.

This trip made me realize that we live in a really small world afterall. I am not just saying that because at like 30k feet the grand canyon looks like a big fingerprint... but I ran into an older couple from Aiken at the airport in Phoenix and at the hotel... I was wearing a pink USC t-shirt. I was in the elevator and this dude hops on and honest to God, he says, "what. You couldn't get into Clemson?" Yes. He was from Clemson.

We met this awesome Canadian couple. We really had a good time with them. I drank some wine, ate some food, smoked some cigs on a balcony that looked out on the mountains and a waterfall. It was fun.

Since then... I have been behaving... for the most part. Jack came and spent the weekend and got me totally hooked on Dexter which is this crazy amazing show about a bad ass serial killer who reminds me of Chris Armbrust (if Chris were a serial killer).

I had a dream that Chris was my mom's love child. So hello, Mr. Half Brother Armbrust.

Jodi is coming down this weekend. We will spend some quality time with Vinnie, some martinis I hope, and some Alltel merchandise. Yowza!

I woke myself up laughing last week. I can't remember what about.

I dreamed last night that I lost my job because I was stealing meds from work... like stupid meds like vaccines ;) It was crazy... anyway then I tried to pretend I didnt do it. What a loser. So Jodi takes me on this last ditch road trip where I plan to live my last moments since clearly I must kill myself because of this. So we are in this like VW bus with 2 dorky dudes and Jodi is like.. well, you need a piece of ass before you die and I am like "yeh. well. I hope we are picking someone else up". Just a weird dream. I woke up before I learned if I was gonna bang one of those nerds or some hopefully hot hitchhiker.

Odd dreams as of late... but I cant complain about that. I had Bowen this weekend. It was awesome seeing him with Jo and Bill. Jo was my mom's best friend. Seeing her with Bowen... I imagine that is what Mom would have been like with him. It has to make you smile... or cry... or at least smoke. :)

Ah, I am taking some uppers now to hopefully boost the ole metabolism and help my massive ass stage some sort of a retreat. It's giving me weird ass dreams but hey - those are usually fun.

2008-02-06T11:45:00.000-08:00

And here is my oh so random occassional post. man, when I was in college... and even for a while after, but especially then - I was avid about updating this thing. Sadly, I have grown into that old woman that works and sleeps... but at least I dont have a cat.

I am going to Phoenix, AZ this weekend. It should be a nice lil change of pace. I'm tellin ya - I have a sweet job. ;) We are going to a meeting on Saturday. So whatever you do - dont take out a Delta flight from Savannah!

Sex toy party last weekend. It was fun.... u cant help but laugh at the people who make a "discreet purchase" and come out with like a garbage bag full of stuff. There was a vibrator called "waverider" and one called "cowboy up". You needed a permit to use the waverider... it was this gargantuan bubblegum pink monstrosity the size of a 2 liter with a control panel the size of an old solar calculator. The other had a fucking bull on it. What's hot about that? Anyway, it was an experience.

I had a hillarious mental image. I told Jack that it would be funny to strip him naked, handcuff him behind his back, stick a gag ball in his mouth, and then lock him outside. Can you imagine that!? I mean really... in a situation like that you can really only communicate with your eyes. How funny. I laughed until I had tears streaming down my face.

I looked at www.bobbyburgess.net/journal for a bit today. Ahhh, great blog.... even when he only posts symbols or a random collection of shit... but then again, I am often swayed by random collections of shit.

2008-01-08T13:13:00.000-08:00

Hmm... to recap on the holidays... Brava! What a marvelous time we had!

To recap on the weekend... Double Brava!
I went to my brother's house in North Augusta to see him and family. My Favorite Aunt was at his house... we had so many laughs. Anyway - Larry and Cassey decide to start drinking and then we start prank calling the contacts in Larry's phone.

The best prank call ever:
A guy that Larry used to work with (a cop) hooked up with this chick while Larry and his wife were dating. So, I called and pretended to be her.... the mother of his child. Oh, he handled it like a real champ. He even wanted to see the baby. The best part... I made the kid, Shaun, all fucked up. I'm serious... lazy eyes like a mother fucker, one leg was crazy short, he was missing a bunch of fingers, and he had a cleft palate. He took it all in stride. He was excited to have a kid... but then when the kid had major problems on top of more major problems... he was like "Oh.... shit."

Hmmm.... time for a random observation: I smell pizza. it is wafting up the hall. Whoever is eating it should be shot.... it's January, we are all trying to live up to those diet resolutions. I had raw broccoli with some ranch dressing early.... and some son of a bitch a few doors down is eating pizza. Cruelty.

I have been sleeping so good lately. Seriously, it has been all I could do to drag my ass from the bed in the AM. It is so foggy and cool in the morning now.... really perfect sleeping weather. I can't function in this kind of weather. If I liked fog, I would be dating a decapitated equestrian from Sleepy Hollow.

Anyway, I gots to go!

2007-12-26T07:34:00.000-08:00

Christmas and well, holidays in general tend to suck when you have lost loved ones or others have gone crazy. But this year - I had such fun. I really had an amazing time. I went to my brother's house Friday night... and i left this morning to drive in to work. It is dead here at work... I am trying to update a filing cabinet and calling patients who are apparently still on vacation. Aunt Berta came in for the holiday.... what fun she is.

As children, we used to get so excited when we knew Aunt Berta was coming to visit... as adults, we still do. She is the Aunt you always want to grow up to be like. She is amazingly fun. We sat in the garage and watched the rain while drinking coffee and smoking too many cigarettes. We laughed and talked about sexual perversions (not our own) and life in general.

We came to the conclusion that my dad is most likely crazy like the skank whore he was married to (Carol - not my mother). See, I am so hostile. I told my dad the other night that she was a stupid cunt. He knows it's true, but I think deep down he is depserate. He NEEDS to be in a relationship. I dont think he can forge life alone. Some people cant. Maybe when you are married for so long, you become so used to being a piece of a whole as opposed to an individual, a module in a family unit ... he has been Daddy for so long now... maybe when you lose the person that makes you complete, you are never really whole again. He doesnt look at her pictures or talk about her. He tries not to remember when. Maybe it's too painful to remember what you had and lost. So, he settles for the dime store whore down the street. Maybe....

But even with all that drama, we had such a great holiday. We laughed, drank, and ate until we could hold no more. It was truly the best Christmas since mom died. The house was decorated, the stockings were hung by the chimney with care.... the fireplace roared... Santa left toys for Bowen .... you should have seen his sweet little face when he saw his rocky horse, basketball goal, and trike,.... all the little trucks, and the Mrs. Potato Head, Elmo... ahhh, it was so much fun. He played for hours.... He was not feeling his best... chest congestion. I kissed on him anyway and now I'm sick too, but it was worth it. Sometimes, you cannot hug a child enough.

He sat in my lap and watched Family Guy and Fraggle Rock on youtube. He loves Brian and Peter. He is so damn adorable. We also watched the video of the guy who dies from getting ramrodded by the horse... my Aunt wanted to see it. OH -n we showed my oldest nephew 2girls1cup. I almost didint make it through... God, that thing is rough. :)

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. Remember Scrooge, he said he would carry Christmas in his heart all year long and live it every day? What a nice idea.....

Merry Crimmis, Yall!

2007-12-12T09:21:00.000-08:00

There are certain people in this world that you love. Once you love them, you will always love them - regardless of circumstance. In many cases, these are friends that we haven't seen in years, but always recall fondly and the moment you are reunited, you quickly catch up without missing a beat. These are the people that you love when you don't even know why. A friend said it best on the phone this morning, in the wee hours "love is easy".

I was thinking about this the other night.... I was listening to "White Flag" - man, Dido has an amazing voice, but if you really listen to the lyrics.... it is a beautiful song.... and about those people that you will always love -even if they dont love you anymore, even if you totally assfucked a relationship.... and even if you dont remember what exactly it is that makes you love someone, but you know that love them regardless without explanation. "It's a chemical thing".:)

2007-12-10T11:33:00.001-08:00

ALERT!

Ok, it is safe to say that I am the biggest Martha Stewart fan. I think she is absolutely genius. I ADORE Martha Stewart. So, around the holidays many of us will be faced with depression. So, for the next time I am down and out, I have found a reason to go on living: http://www.kbhome.com/martha/ . Thank you, Martha. This is like a dream come true.

Ok, I realize I probably sound like a nerd, and yes - I am super excited about making gingerbread men this Christmas (if only I can find the right small print red and white gingham ribbon.. those bastards at the craft shop are hiding it from me!). :)

So, if you looked at the KB home site, you saw the most amazing Martha Stewart neighborhoods. Wow, I am seriously excited about this.... in fact, I am about to call Jodi!

Anyway, I just wanted to post the link... how awesome is that!?!

...and I will post pics of the gingerbread men once they are made ;)

2007-12-09T21:46:00.000-08:00

So this weekend.... I was once again a mathlete. I love spending time with Larry n Cassie though... so I can't complain. I really did have a lot of fun. Bowen is precious. He shits all over himself... it has to be rough being two.

I am totaly not a country person.. but I am addicted to the Sugarland song "Stay"... ahh, the plight of the other woman... its like an anthem really. ;)

Well, I am sleepy... and off to bed, but all in all... I had a great weekend. :)

2007-11-27T13:03:00.000-08:00

So, I took this fabulous video of Bowen on my phone. He is so damn adorable.... I can hardly describe it. Man, I love that little fella. There is just something about a baby. WHen I ooh and ahh over him - everyone is like "Oh you are gonna have a baby"... yeah ummm NO. I love to see them and play with them - I love kids.... I just dont want one. What's wrong with spoiling others rotten and being able to go home and go to the bar or the movies or better yet - out of town without having to find a place that is kid friendly or track down a baby sitter? ;)

So... I am working for research now - can you say "TONS OF FUN". Man, it is such a relief. I LOVE the vast vast vast majority of the people at the Health Care Center - all my coworkers... but it gets old ebing shoveled shit. So - on to greener pastures.... extremely close pastures! I am in the same building... so i still chill with the old crew... but in a new job ... with a new boss... and my cell phone ready LOL.... half day every Friday... no timeclock.... and oh yes, and MUCH more competitive package! :) Praise the Lord!

I had a total blast over Thanksgiving weekend. Jodi and I spent the holiday with Julie and her fella and Jos. Julie and Dwayne talked about sex all night... which we all do, but it was a little weird to hear her say she caught him spanking it to porn.... in front of her aunt n uncle. Jodi and I looked at each other like... "wow. this is like a VH1 special".

Well.. I'm off.
:)

2007-10-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

Wow. I think I am officially the shittiest blogger ever... except for maybe, Wil Wheaton (only we cant really fault him - cause he is hot... even though he was on Star Trek... thank you, Mr. Shatner). I need to update more often... but here is the basic rundown of events:

-started training for a 5K - Dec 22 is D-Day... let's see how that goes... hopefully I can drag my ass across the finish line without the use of a wheelbarrow.

-Ummm, Julie is getting married.

-Bowen is still precious

-I bought a bumper sticker that reads "Will Fuck For Gas" .... which I put on my Dad's truck - hey, it's a magnet. And in totally unrelated news --- did you know it was illegal to put that kind of bumper sticker on your car... or I guess anyone else's for that matter?

-A few weeks ago, I had a totally amazing weekend in Cola with my boys. :) I miss them so much.

- I learned the phrase "hung like Don Johnson"

-Finished the Black Dagger Brotherhood series... which is utterly fabulous.... the ginormous, hot vvampires trolling the streets to save their race and bang sexually frustrated females... niiiice.

So... thats about it. :)
-

2007-08-30T15:16:00.000-07:00

So.... what if I told you that last weekend the girls went out and had an amazingly wonderful awesome awe-inspiring time out in savannah. .... and what if I were to say that while these said individuals were out, myself included, they - we - had far too much to drink... like way too much... like enough that the drunk passed hours ago and then the crazy shit started happening.... what if I had to tell you that the phrase "what happens in savannah ---- stays in savannah" had to be invoked..... what if i saw two people making out that shouldn't have been.... and someone had to catch a ride home cause she didnt exactly leave the bar alone.... oh yes, savannah.... a wild and crazy place.... ;) and you know how much I love wild n crazy. :) I work with awesome people.

So, Rushton was looking hot as ever today. Rawwwrrr!!! ;)

Jason got his Porshe. She is BEAUTIFUL. He brought her by the office today so I could see her - and I dragged everyone out of the building to go see it. Wow, I am not a motorhead by anymeans.... but Damn - what a car. Jason is gonna pull mad ass in this car - he just has to get them to the parking lot first. :)

Work has been great this week. We have too much fun. Holly has gotten me totally and completely hooked on the Black Dagger Brotherhood series of books... I am on the second. I have to finish the others before the fifth one comes out on Sept 25 - wow. Great, great books.

So - I am gonna be the birthday girl this weekend - :) 26 tomorrow! Birthdays are really only special if u are turning 21 or over 100. I want to get really and truly FUCKED UP. I want that awesome, swaggering, vomit in my hair the next morning, what the fuck did I do last night , and who in the hell is sleeping next to me, what am I doing in this hotel.... in arizona kinda feeling. :) AHHHH, I love Columbia!

2007-08-23T15:36:00.000-07:00

Man, o man... it's been a good week. Long, but good. So today I had like 2 patients this AM - I think the rain kept them away :( . But that gave me time to catch up on all paperwork n shit and now I can say - "there are no charts in my office!" woo hoo!

So, the drug reps brought us lunch today and Kristy and I put it away because well.. someone has to do it and I dont have any patients and I am all caught up (as stated above) - Ok, then the office manager walks by and honest to God, she says "What, are we not working today??!!" I have to say, I was actually pretty offended. I mean, I dont mind someone asking a question if they are unsure of what's going on, but it just came off as rude and I have to say - it offended me. I am not someone who shys away from work. I am always willing to help out a coworker and do what needs to be done....so it just struck the wrong chord with me and sounded like I was, in effect, avoiding work. Ok, packing up food and washing dishes is not my idea of fun... but since rotting chicken and veggies are not my idea of a pleasant experience to walk into on Friday morning, I did it. . Ahhh, oh well. Tomorrow is another day. That is my vent for this one.

OH - so me and my fear of needles.... I went to give blood for the Red Cross blood drive today and low and behold... I actually let her stick my finger. I was terrified... and this fear is even present post-Xanax. So, she sticks me(after I yank my finger away once).... and whaddayaknow??? my iron and hematocrit are too low to give blood! I think that was just a nice way of saying I was obviously a wussie and she wasnt gonna waste her time on me.... but hey, they gave me a t-shirt. lol.

So, we had a good run tonight. I was fun and a bit of a stress reliever. :) If I dye my hair tonight, the extensions will be put in tomorrow. Man, I am gonna look like one crazy white girl.

:) Nite Yall

2007-08-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

I coughed yesterday - but it was one of those coughs that is more than a cough.... it was like I was trying to bring up a lung. Janean said, "You sound like you have TB". She is so sweet to me. lol. I love that girl - she is funny as shit!

I was talking to Jack the other night and he said that I can't make the small dick jokes to him since we slept together ages ago. I informed him that all the boys in my life face small dick jokes... its a given. I mean... the small dick joke is the old standby. I just dont use those jokes in certain company - cause its not funny when its true. *cough cough* *TB cough*

So, we have decided to set a goal for the whole running fiasco - The Jingle Bell Run in December - we will see how that goes. :)

Dad is still retarded. I wont elaborate. Work is still work, but all in all I love what I do.

My knee is kiling me and I am slwwpy - so.... Good night!

2007-08-07T15:38:00.000-07:00

Wow. I havent updated since God was a boy. Here's the goods:

Sunday rocked. I really had a blast. We cooked an awesome dinner - all from scratch - baba ganouj, falafel, yougurt n cucumber sauce ... kinda like tzatziki but with mint - kebabs, hotsauce and sharon made some bad ass taboulleh. It was fun - then we watched Bubba Ho Tep. I havent laughed like that in a while. Funny funny shit.

So work is still a festering drama pit. I swear to God - some people just like to be miserable. But here is what I say to all that: GROW THE FUCK UP! What's good for the goose.... ;)

I am sleepy... my knee is killin me today... no no the rangers arent back in town... I think Robin kicked my ass at Tennis. I'm pretty sure that's it. So, I am off to ice the knee.

Do you see that, I am turning into an OLD WOMAN. Seriously, I take Glucosamine n Condroitin, ADvil, vitamins EVERYDAY and it looks like I'll be adding aspercreme. .... as long as I can steer clear of the PrepH... I'll be ok.

Good night, moon.

Oh, BUck told me a joke I havent heard since I was a kid.

"Did you blow bubbles when you were a kid?"
"...cause he is back in town and he wants your number"

2007-05-16T14:42:00.000-07:00

Ah, there is nothing quite as funny as telling someone that you remember the time he had to dish out blow jobs to pay for his tattoo... ;)

I'm tired. Moving is hard work. The packing, the unpacking, the cleaning, the scrubbing, getting egged by the neighbors..... ahhh, all in a day's work.

Anyway, I am officially a local . WOO HOO. :)

I am sleepy on a level that I didn't realize existed. So, off I go....

But, since I have failed to update lately, let me just say this: "I have amazing friends. Jodi, you are awesome and I simply adore you - even if you do beat your dick like it owes you money! Julie - I aint heard from you, so I just pretend you are my friend Helen Keller and we are having trouble communicating. :) All my people at work... the ladies at ladies night..... ahhhh, it is just been a great ride". :)

O Happy Day.

* oH and I keep singing the fucking Pepto Bismol song "nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea!"

_Jason met a girl who was missing some fingers - permanent rock fist. ;)

2007-04-29T11:31:00.000-07:00

So I haven't updated in quite a while.... but I figured today was the day! :)

I saw DaBoo. He is beyond precious. Such a sweet lil fella. :) Everybody now, all together say AWWWWWW.

Ok... from beauty to the bitch - here is the Carol update. Dad is gonna leave her alone... finally! She called and left me, what sounded like a drunken message. Perhaps she was sober, but I doubt it. It was cruel as are most of the interactions with her. She told me that She would screw my Dad anytime she wanted to and she would holler just as loud as she wanted to and if I didnt like it... GET OUT. Don't you just love that. Immediately after hearing that, I had a panic attack - which is too fun for words. There is nothing quite like shaking like I have PD and my jaw locking up like I was trolling the dock for sailors. I swear, i hate that she can piss me off like that. But I am oh so glad my Dad sees through her sordid veneer.

Speaking of sordid, I thought I saw someone I knew in traffic today in Aiken. Odd, I doubt it was them. Had it been, I would have pressed my ass to the glass and given the reach around to flip her off. wow, i am such a bitch.

Oh, I am moving to Hampton. I found a place to rent so I should be a resident in a few weeks. We will see how it goes. I am gonna be a busy bee - cleaning after work all week and then moving furniture and such next weekend.... good times. :) God Bless bleach!

Work is really great. I am sticking people with needles like crazy.... good times! :)

I havent been up to anything good lately - just working.. so nothing fun to update.

Anyway, I will report more interesting news as it happens....

2007-04-01T03:32:00.000-07:00

So.... I came to the conclusion, staring at the computer screen in the dim glow of a fading Xanax and a stale diet coke... that I am in fact, a bad person. I've been skirting around the issue for years, but it hit me... as I trolled through myspace stalking people from my past. Ok, before you laugh - we all do it.. except for those lone losers who say they are too cool to be on mysapce. Ok, dorks - news flash... if you are not on myspace then flash back to high school -and you are the kid eating lunch by the trash cans. Myspace is the cyber in-crowd. Damn, we are one big society full of homos (and not the cool ones with great fashion sense, smoldering looks, and catchy one liners)... in terms of social cyber relationships... we are a bunch of "jump-rope -toting-RichardSimmons-Wannabees" OH the humanity...

Anyway, as I was saying - we use myspace to stalk people. It's sad I admit, but easier than the alternatives. I look up people from the past to see if they are more miserable than I am. But the low point comes when its almost 6 am, you are wearing sweat pants, hair in a bun, and you read the profile of a guy you used to bang: "in a relationship". Why is it easy to be happy for people only when we feel as if we have the upperhand. Was Mother Theresa wandering the streets of calcutta bitching and moaning under her breath each time the emaciated kid got an extra cup of grits.... or am I just a bitch?

God, I swear... if it was New Years Eve, I would make a resolution to change, but since it's not, I think I will live out the rest of the year like somebody lit the fise on my tampon.

I'm really not mean... and very rarely do I get pissed unless we discuss the "step mother", but overall I am happy... it is just a swift kick in the gut when you see someone fabulous has been taken off the market. You know, sadly I even have that reaction as I read my lusty tabloids. Whenever I see George Clooney is dating, I'm like "THAT BITCH!" and then I have one of those WTF moments I am so fond of... and I realize I have never even met anyone named George, much less Sir Clooney.

Oh - and for all of those people opposed to myspace.... please note, whenever I am online searching for old friends, classmates, or coworkers... if you are not on myspace I assume you have met one of few fates: you are either in jail, dead, a technical moron, or you thought Tom was stalking you and cancelled your account.

2007-03-25T14:15:00.000-07:00

I am frustrated. I love my Dad, but I hate seeing him go down the road he is on. He is still seeing Carol - his estranged wife, of a marriage that will be anulled soon. She knows that I hate her... but here is the thing - I dont want to hate her. I dont want one person to piss me off like that - but every time I see her (which lately is constantly - I can barely breathe). She hangs out with my Dad when she realizes that her life is in the crapper. She is trying to get back with her ex husband who she previously had arrested numerous times. Sound familiar? lol. She told my Dad flat out that she wanted to remarry her ex to get money from him since she got hosed in their divorce. The man is on the reaper's door step and this hose beast told my Dad that she would push his wheelchair into the courthouse to marry her ex before he died so she could get his house and cash. So, realizing the type of person she is - my Dad still cant see - he still loves her.

Granted, I realize that you can't choose who you love - but you can choose to love yourself more - respect yourself. You can choose to realize the fact that you are a good person and deserve to have good people in your life - not the woman you are clinging on to. You can choose to realize that distance helps - that you will never get over an old love if you are still clinging to the threads of an unraveling relationship - and most importantly - you can never really truly love someone who doesnt love you back.

My Dad thinks I hate her because of the shit she said to me a week after she moved out - how she emotionally devastated me by blaming me for the dissolution fo the marriage. She hurt me. She was cruel and awful and that was her intention - it was not accidental. She accomplished her goal. I dislike her for that. Everytime I look at her, I cringe and wonder why a woman like my mother had to die and a bitch like this is alive. But what is worse is remembering how my Dad didnt care what she said to me - he was just so scared they wouldnt get back together. That almost broke me.

What really pisses me off, I mean what brings me close to hate is remembering what it is like to sit in the ER and wait at the Hospital on the weekend after my Dad attempted suicide. TO know that your Dad's life was so incomplete without this woman -that me and my brother --- his kids are not enough. To know that he survived my mom's death but losing this road whore sent him reaching for the sleeping pills.

What pisses me off still is thinking of my Dad in his orange county-issue jump suit as I bailed him out of jail. Signing my Dad's bond. Seeing my Dad laugh about being in jail and thinking that my brother and i would find it just as funny.

What pisses me off even more than that is constantly seeing him hanging around her. Her seting foot in the house she chose to leave as she was on the verge of crazy. Watching him still put effort into a relationship with her and fearing that more exposure to her will cause me to once again see him in an orange jump suit, in a think hospital gown - or in a black vinyl body bag. That is what upsets me.

So I feel a dizzying sense of wonder. Where will we be in a few months.... in a year? She has damaged our relationships to a point that I doubt we will ever have the same relationship we used to have with our Dad.... but wounds can heal... so I am left asking the only real question left - when will she finally physically be out of our lives?????? Please let it be soon!

2007-03-07T16:07:00.000-08:00

You know I am obsessed with one Stephen Colbert. How HOT is he. I like that nerdy-intelligent yet mildly retarded edge he has. YOWZA what a jive talking beefcake! Anyway, Ben and Jerry - those lactose tolerant bastards from Vermont named a new flavor after him! "Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream" features bits of chocolate covered waffle cone. I think I may put down my pint of Pistachio, Pistachio for a spoon or two of Colbert. And yes, I pronounce it with a silent "t".

I am still on my Frasier kick. I really love that show.... if you hated it years ago - watch it now. I promise - it is really funny.

I had a blast at work today - I really did. I work with great people. They are so much fun. I miss them when I am lying about at home watching Frasier and Golden Girls and morphing into a cat lady.

I am on the hunt for gainful employment. I need some "Benjamins". :)

Anyway, I am on my way home. :) Good night, moon.

2007-02-23T08:26:00.000-08:00

The funniest story I have heard lately is entitled "Seth and the Hooker". It is the true story of a lonely Sigma Chi in Beaufort just looking for love from an African American pedestrian on a cold, lonely night. This story reminds me so much of "Pretty Woman". ;) Ok so the true story is a little different. The best part of this story is that it happened to Seth - because this could only happen to Seth. A girl darts out in front of his car and needs a ride.... he picks up a hitchhiker... and she turns out to be a hooker. Seth shoots down her advances (so he claims LMFAO) - and drops her off in a trailer park at her request. The best part is - the hooker shows up at his house a few days later and Seth directs her to his Mexican neighbors. :) Now, that is a little better than borrowing a cup of sugar.

I have been thinking - about things that I havent done in a while... and here is a list...

-eaten pork
-gotten laid
-been to Columbia
-been to a roller skating rink
-danced
-drank KoolAid
-eaten Cool Whip
-been on a skateboard
-let my feet touch the ocean
-been REALLY happy
-done something constructive with my time
-peed in the tub

Things I have done recently:
-laughed until I could barely breathe
-realized how much I love my nephews and niece
-realized how awesome my family is
-thr0wn up on myself
-eaten BBQ pizza
-talked to Julie

Crystal turns 28 Sunday - happy Bday! woo hoo.

2007-02-10T19:27:00.000-08:00

Life has been strange lately. Luckily, I have been able to keep my dad out of jail - freedom is always a good thing - afterall, that is the whole principle behind going commando - but here is the latest series of oddities that have come my way...

This is odd - and a little "beam me up scotty" if I do say so myself. I feel as if the world... or at least the version of it that I live in is composed of many layers.... realms... planes... whatever you conceive the cosmic planetary existence to be.... In one week.... I located, for work of course, a doctor that has the same name as a guy I banged on numerous occassions in Tennessee.... please note - this doc was a gyno. It was odd in a weird way - and I called Julie and as we chatted she told me she randomly ran into a friend of the guy I banged. I noted the irony that I came across a Dr. Sadler. In the same week - like 2 days later - I am looking at the next days schedule before I left work to see what kinds of patients I would be working with - and the very first patient shared the named of Mr.Discretion - yet another dude I banged in Tennessee. Julie was shocked because earlier that day she made ajoke about Mr.Discretion. Anyway - it is random... new people sharing old names..... yet showing up at the same time.... and seeing as how I am now celibate Suzy - it is a cosmic joke of sorts. Perfect strangers set out to remind me that I am not getting laid.

I am addicted to Frasier lately... just cant help myself. I would have banged Frasier Crane - he is hot in the odd, professor, dorkish kinda way. I like that.

Jodi moved to Columbia. I miss him. Where am I gonna move next... I like three options: Charleston, Columbia, Hawaii - lol. Any one of the three would rock... Columbia would be great... but Chucktown would have me roomin with Chris and he is the best... although if we lived together, we would probably end up in jail.

Anyway, I swear I am gonna update this blog on a much more regular basis. :)

2006-12-06T14:46:00.000-08:00

wow. I am a sincerely shitty blogger. I guess I should spend a little less time smoking the pot and a little more time in front of the old KB. Things have happened.... that I want to elaborate on, but cant at this time - ie, my Dad going to jail. Imagine me bailing my 63 yr old Dad out of the pokey. It's cool though... they let him have some time "in the yard" - and he ran into someone I knew... sweet.

Jodi is fabulous as always. SO much fun. Work is fun - very fun in fact. I work with awesome people and that makes every day have its joyous moments. My friends are truly amazing. Jodi - I swear, that kid kills me. :)

He says his mom wants to hook me up with a Bulgarian. Hmmm... you know how I love putting a tack in the map!

I had a pt at work whose gf used too much teeth and skinned his dick - not all, but some - so, it is possible to use toooo much teeth - that is why u never see ground hog porn.

Anyway, I am off - drug reps are giving us a PIMP ass dinner tonight with cocktails (oh yeh!) to discuss the new inhaled insulin therapy. Woo hoo.

2006-11-03T15:44:00.000-08:00

So last week I experienced a real life version of Senior Citizen, Interrupted as my Dad took a box of sleeping pills and washed them down with a bottle of wild turkey. Yeah, it has been an interesting period in my life.

Work is good. Life is decent and my Dad is now sporting a mohawk. I am serious - a 63year old with a Mohawk - does it get much cooler than that? I dont think so. He went from his little Dennis the Menace haircut to Menace to Society.

I will update again soon, I promise.

2006-09-06T16:51:00.000-07:00

it is sad how all my posts start with "man I am a shitty updater". So, i will bypass the obvious and just share the fabulous.

the step mom came over and told me that she cant stand the sight of me.... she cant set foot in the same house as me, she put up with me for 2 months and couldnt take it anymore, my room is too messy, i will never be able to stand on my own two feet, i will mooch off my Dad until he dies, and I will never amount to anything. I am paraphrasing but not elaborating... seriously. it was bad.

this insight into my soul came from a dogwasher - leave it to her to critisize getting an education. I wont say anything bad about her children - I like them, but I have no respect for her.... and I know that I never will - so now she realizes, as least she must, that she fucked up REAL bad and that I was honest with my dad... I told him exactly what she said (many statements she denies) why would i lie... especially when i was honest that I called her a bitch and told her to go fuck herself (it was very dramatic I admit).... anyway - she wont look at me and I couldnt care less for her.

Her and Daddy were going fishing - so I melted down 12 Colace and injected it into her bottles of coke. Dad pussied out and didnt give them to her. So, I put on some gloves and went to the dog pen. I gathered as much shit as I could stack into a little foot sized pile and then covered it up with grass as a camoflauge. She fucked with the wrong bitch - as my wrath is legendary.

THe family is doing well. I am still at the health care center working and taking those measly pay checks to pay off my bills... which are massive lol. Ah, I just need to hit the lotto.

We decided that hitting the lotto would be perfect but we couldnt turn into losers.... we would buy some land and build a little neighborhood with just our friends.... and ride golf carts back n forth everywhere - Jodi suggested we make it like stepford... only minus the robot thing.

My Dad forgot my birthday and then i realized "what the fuck does it matter??" Im 25 now, btw.

I heard some very sad news about a very nice lady and it mademe realize that no matter how bad my life may seem - there are always people out there who have it worse.

so - all in all - a lot of stress, a lot of drama, and one mean bitch who karma will catch up with one day, I am sure. ANyway, life is life and I am convinced that it is neither good nor bad - simply the perception of it shifts from day to weary day.

:) but thursdays i like.... we drink alcohol on thursdays,

2006-08-09T15:18:00.000-07:00

man... do I have some drama to update on.

Ms. Carol - the "step mom" moved out on Friday. Apparently, she is a mental patient or something. She was pissed that my Dad didnt buy her a new house and that I dont clean my room. BIG FUCKING DEAL. I guess my brother was right about her all along. But, in case they do end up back together, I am watching what I say around Daddy. However, if she moves back, things will never be the same. I guess there is a lot of my mom left in the house, but guess what - mom n dad never got a divorce - mom died. that makes a difference. She married a man who had been married to mom for 36 years... that is a big part of his past... and she married all of him... not just the bits she picks and chooses... fi she couldnt handle it - she shouldnt have pursued him... and yes, she pursued him. Anyway, I have lost all respect for the woman.

I have been working a lot lately.... its been fun.

I am debating on school... when to start back. - that and crossing my fingers that financial aid will pan out for me. I need to pay off so many of my bills - it is retarded. Credit is the devil's incarnation here on earth.

I have awesome friends. I miss Mo. I wish her ass would give me a call. I have been the queen of Vmails lately. BUT - I did talk to Chris-i-kins last night. God, I forgot how much I love that boy. He is coming to town Thursday night..... ooooh sweet alcohol.

Anyway, I will update more later. :)

2006-07-19T16:39:00.000-07:00

wow. the time is really flying by... and look at me, a shitty updater. I have like turned into the anti-blogger - the angst of blog hateres everywhere.... you know the type - you start posting religiously... people start reading it, you start needing to type... and then BOOM... the real world sneaks in and takes away that time ... and you realize it has been close to a month since you posted last. .. and usually the update is something dumb like asdfjklmhiiiiiii hahaha. SO, I am not gonna be THAT big of a loser. Here is a legit update.

Life has been pretty good lately. I am working hard... waiting for school to start and spending my days at the health care center - where some choice patients have come in... here is a little run down of things that have amused me lately:
-nasty vaginas - we see, on average like 3 a week. that's just the nasty ones
-rectal abscess "I cant sit down"
-patients who shit themselves
-patients who are nuts and self medicate

Talked to Randy the other day - he is still fabulous and HILLARIOUS.

Jodi is my muchacho. I swear that kid is awesome. He is playing with Vinnie, Charlie and Sam. If you dont know these fellows... let me just equate them to a more upscale version of the other three wisemen Jim, Jack, and Jose'. ... medicinal values only.

One of my coworkers is still a bitch - and I am starting to realize that she may not realize she is being extraodrinarily bitchy. Every office has one just like her.... bad attitude, rough and rude. Did I mention lazy? Yet she constantly talks about how busy she is? lmfao niiiice

I ate spaghetti for lunch today. It was tasty... that was hours ago and I am still tasting it.

My stomach was TORE UP today. I mean, sweet Jesus - I just knew I was gonna shit on myself - or a patient. Anyway, I was doubly nervous because I was wearing white pants. That would have been a mental image NO ONE would have forgotten. My mom told me about a lifeguard at Travis Field pool back in the 60s. He had on a white speedo - went and took a shit and came back, strutting his bod around the pool.... and there it was, a big shit streak bringing up the rear. See, If someone saw me in a hit pink scrub top with lil white elephants on it and white pants with a nice brown swipe up the back - holy shit, I would die. I cant recover from stuff like that. However, Stacy shit on herself in Winn Dixie once - when she was taking Xenical - and she recovered. I wouldnt be able to face the Big WD again.

Life is seeming pretty normal now... settling down... BUT I won a vacation. A cruise and 4 nights at a hotel in the Bahamas. That will be sweet. I have to decide who to take with me lol.. Oh I wonder who it will be????? lol ;) Julie has been talking non stop for the last few months about how we need to go on a cruise.... looks like this will be the perfect opportunity. :)

Buster is still amazing... he is my baby. He rocks. Nothing is more precious than an obese cat.

Oh shit I almost forgot! SO, Friday, I had a PFt done at work - a pulmonary function test. It tells you your lung function... and gives you a "lung age". I smoke cigs and pot, have asthma -- oh and let us not forget that I do have a cold.... anyway, I have the lung function of ... drum roll please "an 86 year old!" Holy shit. I mean... to have the lung function of an 86 year old I may as well have had a penis in my mouth when I blew into the device... no air in these lungs. Jeez. So I decided that I wouldnt smoke until I had a comparison PFT done... this coming Friday. SO that will give me a week of the cigs to see the difference.

But here is the deal - I fucking love my smokes... me and Phillip Morris have been involved in an intimate relationship for years... sure, I may have cheated a few times with RJReynolds... but that is beside the point... me and Philip understand each other. :)

No boy drama to report as my vagina could apparently belong to Mother Teresa... I have been so well behaved. I fear that, except for urination and defecation, I have lost all function in the nether regions. Oh well.... that is why they invented X, right? :)

Anyway, I hope this update will suffice for a bit.. and I promise... if not daily - at least an update twice a week.

Have a good night yall!

2006-07-12T17:10:00.000-07:00

Wow. I have been such a shitter updater. :)

I am having fun at work. I have been eating Mexican all the time now... like in the past 10 days, I think I have eaten it 9 times. I am not exaggerating. The chile' de tomate... aye yi yi sooo spicy... awesome saucin. :)

I saw Jos. I kept her for the weekend and it made me realize just how much I have missed her. I have been very nostalgic, as of late, regarding my HIGH times in Tennessee. Speaking of HIGH. I saw Vincent last night. He rode over with Jodi. I think I will see a little more of him tonight.

Vincent could be the love of my life... sadly, Vincent, Vinnie, or The Vinster is not really a man... but a code... so sad. lol.

Life seems to be good. Which is a nice change.

WEll, I am off work and getting out of this hole. :)

good night, all!

2006-06-28T16:42:00.000-07:00

Myspace is too awesome. :)

Work is fun... like usual. I am still smoking, drinking, and I would say screwing, but to be quite honest... I havent had a piece drift my way in a few months... what is this June??? hmm so .like 2 months now?? three tops? ehhhh that is kinda scary.

I filled out FAFSA today... felt old school.

Oh... so the sawed off son of a bitch read my blog apparently and relayed that detail to julie. I felt kinda bad.... like I was angry when I wrote the post about him.... I really was.... but he said I was honest... which made me feel good in a sense.... because I keep this blog honest just for posterity sake.

Dr.Vega is scared that we are going to embarrass him on his last day.... would WE do a THING like THAT??? hee hee hee :)

We really are gonna miss him.

Im tired. I think I am gonna go home now....

I need to call Jodi... random thought: today I am thankful that I work where we do not have a drug testing policy.

2006-06-21T15:47:00.000-07:00

WOrk is interesting.... to say the least. Dr.V is leaving us... that is gonna be sad. Hope the new guy is cool too... sweet Jesus if he is a stick in the mud, we are screwed.

So, Jodi and Vincent are having a ball in cola. :)

So.. about life:

As you know, my Dad is remarried... to a wonderful lady, but as of late it just seems as if the memory of my mother is being wiped from the house. Her pictures, the ones she loved, are off the walls and replaced by pictures of my stepfamily. My Dad spends most of his "family time" not with his old family (me and my brother). It is an odd adjustment to make. My brother has offered for me to come and live with him... and more and more I am considering it. I feel like staying in that house simply reminds me that my mother is dead and that others are moving on with their lives and forgetting that she lived. It is a tough pill to swallow...

I almost had it out with Bitchy Ass Sara at work the other day. She told me that I needed to tell my gay boys that their lifestyle is wrong. I told her that I would take my very last breath before I ever told them that what they were doing was wrong. I am a HUGE supporter of gay rights. I feel like Cuba Gooding, Jr in Jerry Maguire "I LOVE GAY PEOPLE!". I dunno , she just pissed me off. I find it so odd that people will use religion as an excuse to criticize and condemn others... "the bible says woman and man. homosexuality is a sin". The bible also says "ye shalt not judge". DId you just skip that verse? Why is it, that some people will claim to be Christians but clearly humans and their nature? Who is more morally responsible? The fourteen year old road whore who comes in for a pregnancy test or the two gay men involved in a committed monogamous loving relationship where they respect each other as individuals? BUt you can't argue this to certain people. People ask me why my friend is gay. I ask them "WHy are you straight?" Why are we wired the way we are? It is an interesting question with a million theories as to the answer.... but in the end, we just ARE.

2006-06-14T15:22:00.000-07:00

so i am off work and headed home..... just wanted to semi-update for a bit... but seriously.. not much has gone on since I updated last. Jodi and I still love Vincent - but we havent seen him in days. We drank a lil wine last night after work... I love spending time with Jodi he is so funny. we are so Will n Grace. :) except our Jack is in Tennessee.

I am getting all my shit straight to get into school in the fall. That is still the plan. Hope all is well in your world. :)

I say "what's shakin bacon? instead oh whats up? now~ I am getting retarded.

Dr.Coleman asked "Why cant we keep KY around here?" I said, :Because April keeps taking it home with her". He said "Im not even gonna tell April u said that!" :) fun times!

2006-06-09T15:27:00.000-07:00

so i tried to update this thing yesterday - but blogger was down... so sad.

here is the deal... well, here is what I have been up to lately:
-drinking
-smoking
-living back in sc
-working (oh yeah drawing blood again... ooh la la)
-trying to get my shit together and my head on straight
-been a "cake tease"
-heard Jodi say "it's not a snausage" in reference to his penis.... for those who are not canine friendly, a snausage is a dog treat that looks like a pig in a blanket and smells like old cheese
-spent time at the beach
-got stoned with my cousin - hahaha
-larry had a party
-james dated my stepsister
-my dad got married
-my mom has officially been dead a year
-I'm getting things in order to start school in the Fall to meet the prereqs for a masters program oh yeh.... i have to take an ass of science... but i LOVEd Mr. Wizard - I can so do this lol.
-saw Bowan, my nephew - he is beyond adorable

Things I havent been doing lately:
-getting laid - so sad

We had a guy come in to work today who really looked like Warren Jeffs the mormon polygamist on the FBIs most wanted list... we kept eyeing the reward and then him and then back and forth and we will gather more info - but he did really look like him. I was tempted to say "so... how do u feel about oh I dunno... polygamy?"

WEll, I had better run.. but see... I updated! woo hoo. I promise this is the start of a new trend. This blog is not dead. Well, it may be dead, but I wil still post. :) Have a great weekend!

2006-04-27T20:29:00.000-07:00

Saying good bye to the good ones is hard. However, there is one sawed off son of a bitch that I am gonna be glad to put a few miles between. Let me just say, since I am leaving, I may as well burn some bridges.

While, being the nice girl that I am I use code names on here when being derrogatory. Well, fuck that. I feel as long as I am honest - what I am about to say is A-ok.

So here we go.

To the guy (I dare to call you a man) who attempted to engage in some form of sexual activity with me while I was DRUNKER THAN DRUNK. SO drunk that you were afraid campus security would pick me up for being drunk in public.... and that i was so drunk you feared i woudlnt find my way to your dorm. You were also fully aware that I had just thrown up and your pick up line was "Why dont we get a shower to get that vomit off of you?" Oh yeah, Casanova. Thanks, Eddie for all the "good" times, you self serving son of a bitch! By the way, you wondered about the times I called you someone else's name - yeah that was just to mind fuck you and it made the whole process much easier for me to get through. And the question that you have long wondered about, but I am sure you knew the answer deep down: Yes, Bobby is hung like a horse. You know you are hung like a field mouse in a stiff breeze. when I make my list of who I have slept with, you dont count since we never technically had sex - because well, - field mice have a hard time of making delivery.

To Mr. Discretion: Hmmm.... this is a tricky topic. I can only say that college is all about having fun... and we did lol. I wish him the best.... oh and I wish his girlfriend the best too.

Bobby - og, glorious Bobby - the kid should do porn. He is a very good and a very fun person. I am certain that he will do something great with his future. Thanks for the great weed n ass. 10 stars on both.

Julie - ahh, chica! I miss the girl already and I am not even gone yet! You are a lifesaver and you hooked me up with ass. Gotta love it! I am gonna miss babysitting so u can go get laid. lol.

Tennessee - it has been a wild ride. I made some mistakes, fell back into some bad habits but I met some people here who were fabulous and in the end, that is what life is all about.

2006-04-27T17:10:00.000-07:00

I am leaving tomorrow... or Saturday whenever I can get packed.... and I am terrible at saying goodbye. Mainly because I dont want to say good bye. I hate leaving people. Some people make such an impact on your life and then its like in an instant.... you have to say, "good bye" and it feels like an ending more than a potential prelude to a sequel. Saying goodbye sucks. I think tonight I am going to get drunk and listen to Johnny Cash.

I will be back to grab the rest of my things and to come to graduation on the 21st. Ironically, that is mama's birthday.

THe last time I really said goodbye was in the Pittsburgh Airport. I barely made it through saying good bye to Mike... and then I lost it saying good bye to Tom and then Tracy... oh god, I was sobbing in the airport and on the plane... lmfao. it was hillarious. We decided I needed some drinks and nothing is sadder than watching a crying woman drink.

I know I will cry on the ride home - i am glad to be going home, i have a a good life there.... but I will miss Tenn. Not so much the place... but the people.