Retarded USC Girl

"The Battle of the Bulge"

An erection can ruin the structural integrity of your pant. This information was relayed to me earlier today. While I appreciate the info, I immediately wrote it off as a casual observation. I later decided that there could in fact, be some relevance to this issue. In true investigative fashion, I decided to see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

The pharmaceuticals market has been flooded with products similar to Pfizer’s Viagra. While Pfizer’s advertising approach is related more to older males experiencing impotence, it has spawned a new sexual revolution, where sexual performance and male self image are tied hand in hand.

Another male enhancement product, Enzyte, advertised directly to men. These ads show men with more confidence and self esteem. It poses the notion that “bigger is definitely better”. So, where are men left? In a potential minefield of self esteem vs. social norm, body image vs. need for acceptance, sexual stamina vs. penile potential?

Marketers naturally have realized this. More men using more products will equal more men with more erections. There is money to be made from this new erectile revolution, and not solely in prophylactics and pharmaceuticals. The clothing industry will not be left untapped. While these products cannot attempt to improve one’s sexual prowess, as it can only be achieved through actual experience, they can improve the potential with which the man has to work.

So, the statement, “an erection can ruin the structural integrity of your pants”, must be taken seriously. With more men potentially having to question this structural integrity, what is a clothier to do? Columbia architect, Eric Lockwood knows a thing or two about structural integrity. Seeing as how he should be able to approach this problem from a mathematical stand point as opposed to a sexual one, I approached him. He offered some extremely sound advice in the form of a mathematical expression to determine the actual structural integrity required of a pant.

SI = pi x 1/2l / h > 69. Using this equation, a man should be able to calculate, given his height, penile length, and the standard pi (3.14) the structural integrity required from a basic chino or khaki. Seersucker really is not an option. The loose, puckered weave of the fabric alone could seem penetrable. A heavier linen or chino pant is recommended.

Dockers answered the call by creating a line of “wrinkle release” khakis, not to mention “stain defender” chinos. But is this enough to combat a rising trend of structural damage? Only time will tell. Spring fabrics are light, leaving room for structural ineptitude. Fortunately, winter is right around the corner and wool is in once again!

For the male on the go this spring, fighting the fashion faux pas can be managed. I recommend a canvas short, cargo short (that fit loosely when sitting, and pockets that are sewn on, not in). I further recommend the new lines of Dockers in “wrinkle release” and “stain defender” fabrics. Look for a cut that is fuller through the thigh, secure in the waist, and avoid the tapered leg. A full cut pant will be most likely to fight the battle of the bulge.

posted by Ashlyn @ 1:25 PM