Retarded USC Girl

I realized today.... or last night or sometime between now and yesterday that "let the dead past bury its dead" is a lot easier said than done. The past is a foundation upon which our current selves stand. If we diminish that, we crumble right along with it. Every hurt, every pain, every joy, they are with us still. Every laugh hangs somewhere in the balance. Every drop of blood and every shattered piece of the heart you have rebuilt so many times. It's all there.... and you can never rid yourself of it.

We cuss and scream about the past. We try to say that we learned lessons from it, or gained something from our experiences. I think all you ever really gain, in the end is simply more "past" to carry along with you.

All the ways you thought you had changed. All the words you would take back a hundred times over, all the smiles and sideways glances.... they are all still there... all still a part of you.... just dusty.

The bad part about the past is that its a temptation.... like a reformed smoker with an open pack of marlboro lights.... old habits die hard. Their memories linger like the smell of weed in 1304. Sometimes, I catch myself dwelling on the past... not in daydreams mind you.... but mentally roleplaying... reverting back to where things used to be and a world of what ifs.... thinking it normal.

The past is the past for a reason. All things come full circle eventually. And the past comes back to us... in bits and snippets and we live a life of dejavu moments and fairy tales. The past sneaks in on us.... but if we can catch it in time, it wont take us over, but timing has never been my strong suit.

The one thing about the past that I liek is that it is mine. Not that I have a seedy past or anything, but think about it. You own your past. You can relay details of it to new friends and family and lovers and the like, but in the end, they can never truly know it.... it is yours. They will try to understand it and try to break into it and chip away at it bit by bit... and try to get you to rid yourself of it... so there will be nothing to fall back on but them.... the new ones. But I like to think that my past is mine. For all its faults and for all its treasures, I cherish it.... some moments more than others.

posted by Ashlyn @ 11:00 AM