Retarded USC Girl

I have been entertaining the idea of getting a colonic for years now. Celebrities do it all the time. It cleanses the colon, eliminates toxins, and bada bing - helps you lose weight. I was not sure exactly how much hefty waste material was lurking in my body, weighing me down (one can always hope for 20 to 25 pounds when stepping on the scale, but what is realistic? One pound? two?) So, with these thoughts in mind - last night I was ass raped by a hose and roughly two quarts of enema solution.

How it works: Let's get the mysteries of colon cleansing out of the way. Yes, it is one of those experiences where not only do you lose waste, you also lose your diginity - slowly but surely.

Basically, you fill a bag that resembles a large IV bag with a solution of warm distilled water and the mixins of your choosing. For me, it was the Castile soap (I think next time I will go for the coffee enema.) The bag has a LONG hose on the end and a clip just like one would find on an IV to control the flow of water. For a faster flow - slide the clip over so that it is not pinching the line. For a slower flow, well.. you get the idea. Now, hang the bag. The gravity metric here is scarily similar to a beer bong.

Now you have a host of positions to try. Lying on your back to fill the descenfing colon... then flipping to your side to fill the ascending colon - all while somehow massaging the abdomen and managing to not shoot this water back out of your ass.

It is always touted in the media as feeling great... And I guess it does if you really like having a shit pain followed by a "gotta get this hose out of my ass right now" moment.

So, let me just sum up the experience by saying this: It was not as bad as I was anticipating. In fact, I think the novice experience is likely to be less than perfect for everyone. All in all - not too shabby, but I don't want to turn into one of those ladies that sits home on weekends giving myself enemas. This is not a lifestyle.

However, I could have done a few things differently.

1. I could have realized sooner that you really do need to control the flow of the solution (that clip is there for a reason)

2. I could have recognized the sensation where the hose is about to fly out of my ass (and stopped the water flow a few seconds BEFORE that.

3. I could have read ALL the directions a little more carefully

4. I could have realized that you may not be able to "take it all"... at once. 2 quarts is a LOT of water.

... and finally....
5. I could have realized that you should let all the air out of the hose BEFORE you begin.

See - Carrie Bradshaw never had to write about enemas - this is what desperate for material must look like :)

Labels: colonic

posted by Ashlyn @ 5:01 AM