Retarded USC Girl

And the last... absolute last post for today.... I have realized that the absolute worst feeling in the world is standing so close to something that you want.... and not being able to have it.... it is a good feeling at the time... wanting something you cant have.... until it passes and you never had it really.... and you are left standing there wondering.... rolling in a world of "what ifs" and "maybes" and it eats away at the fiber of your being.... in effect, you form scars and you are tougher and stronger for that and you have some experience as to the nature of the world and you say "I'll know better next time" and maybe next time you will.... but that last time that you let slip you by because you were too pigheaded or pissy or arrogant or vulnerable or weak or any of a million other adjectives.... that is the time that you will always wonder about ....

So I do that a lot as of late.... with the stress of everything else, I roll through a world of "if onlys" and "maybes" and seated somewhere just beneath the surface and slightly out of view is my own supreme happiness.

It is like the iceberg affect. I am standing there living in that bit of ice that breaks the water's surface... the part you can see.... only knowing full well that the larger portion of the berg is below the surface.... centered right along with those maybes and what ifs and missed opportunities.

It is my profound hope that second chancs are possible... as I believe they are, if you put forth enough effort. It is hope that I act and react better and more genuinely this time around.

These relationship things... I am not good at them, but I talked to Melissa last night and she is my voice of reason. She told me that the timing hadnt been right the first go around.... and that a relationship I was in subsequently was supposed to happen first. It was an education of sorts. And now, here I stand back at square one.... vulnerable.... but putting the ball into his court.

And this time.... I am not looking to play any games....

posted by Ashlyn @ 12:28 PM