Retarded USC Girl

...and the storm cometh....

My mother is dying. She is in kidney failure and has advanced uteran cancer. *breathes deep*. I have told this story so many times on the phone today that it is feeling like just that - a story. I feel like I am reliving the details of one of those tawdry dramas I am so fond of.... only in reality, I now realize I am a character.... and more importantly so is my mother.

I went into her room in ICU today to see her. I said "hey Mama" and she opened her eyes and she tried to talk..... but I told her not too.... the tubes were in her mouth... she is not breathing for herself.... I am crying now just thinking about it. She looks so sad.... lying in a bed with tubes and hoses coming out of her.... blood in some... the dark liquid that is supposed to be urine in another.

My heart is broken. I never knew that it was possible to hurt this much.... with a pain quite like this... it reaches so deep that i know what the soul is.... it is wounded.... battered and bruised and utterly beyond repair. I feel like a small child in need of her mother.... yes, that is exactly what I need: my mother.

The sad thing is that you may read this and be saddened.... but you have no idea how wonderful a woman she is. You have no idea how much she wanted me and my brother and how perfect she is for my dad. You have no idea how many times we have laughed together and cried together... and how I spoke to her every day on my lunch break... and how she would call me on the cell whenever she was at a gas station and how I dont have a single voice mail left with her voice on it.

I am aching with this intolerable pain. Pain. She is out of pain. She was in so much pain Friday and Saturday and not to mention Thursday. We were in the ER and she would sit up and let me rub her back.... and it helped... some. LAst night, I stayed late and she was hot so I went to WalMart and bought her a fan..... it was a really nice one to keep her cool... because if you know my mother... she cant stand to be hot. I bought her those Be Kool strips for kids with fevers.... because I knew that after visiting hours I wouldnt be able to keep giving her a cool washcloth for her forehead.... and I painted her toenails while she was half asleep and we watched part of Dogma and The Patriot together....... and I left the hospital feeling good about her..... about her improving. She looked so much better. And I prayed. I pray for God to help her. To take away her pain and to help her feel His presence. To bring her comfort and to bring her peace.

Now, the doctor told us there is no hope and to just let her die of kidney failure... so now my only hope is that God answers my prayers and my mother doesnt suffer.

I love her so much. I am aching, but I would gladly take her pain to keep her from it. And now I pray for the strength to get through this....


... I am broken.

posted by Ashlyn @ 5:47 PM