Retarded USC Girl

So I talked to my Aunt Berta tonight... and it was fabulous. I have been really depressed lately - missing my mom and we talked about that - and it was the first time I have really talked about it to a living person and not here on the blog. It is hard to talk about it in person - mainly because I dont want to.... and if you havent lost a parent... you cant possibly understand... even if you lost YOUR mom... you didnt lose MY mom... and you will never know what I am going through. My aunt thinks I never took time to grieve. I think she might be right. It has been almost a year - and I still have Moms cell phone in the phonebook of my cellphone and I still have the house number saved as Mama and Daddy. Maybe it is time to try and let it go... but to be honest, I dont want to let her go. I hate to think of forgetting her.....

So, I can use sex, drugs, alcohol, or cutting to help me become a little more numb... but its a temporary fix to a permanent problem. But I will find my absolution one day... hopefully one day soon.

I am sorry for the depressing entry. LOL. Whew = look at the drama queen lol.

There is so much pain in this life... but I swear there is a balance. There is so much good too - you just have to open your eyes and your arms and your heart. It is swimming all around us, all of the time, and we just have to reach for it... be open to it.

To quote a fave old poem "Pain radiates near the surface, to remind us that there is something deep within us, worth aching for" :)

posted by Ashlyn @ 7:31 PM