Retarded USC Girl

I am listening to "Bad Ronald" again. I am truly pathetic. I am in an odd mood. I am on Wellbutrin to finally help me put down the Marlboros.... which I love and adore. Me and Marlboros go way back.... old friends. They are one constant in an ever changing world.

My cigarettes were with me when I wanted to be rebellious in high school. My cigarettes were with me on every great night at the bar and on every great vacation I ever took. My cigarettes were with me on the good days and on those most recent not so pleasant ones. I basically lost my virginityto Phillip Morris, Inc. I love those bastards.

I just smoked one.,... can still smell it on me... which I admit, is not exactly pleasant. I finished folding some clothes of mama's that I found in the closet in the guest room. tags still on them - things she never got to wear. I am taking them to a lady at work.... there is no need for them to sit around here. There is one outfit I can't bear to get rid of.... it was what she wore when we took her to the hospital.... it still smells like her.... her perfume is still on the fabric and it smelled different on her than it does sitting in that bottle. I am fine for 95 percent of the day.... and then I come home and one little thing sets me off.... and I can feel my heart breaking. I miss my mom so much I can barely breath at times. And I know that soon, maybe days ... maybe weeks... that perfume will have faded from that outfit.... and all that I have left of her will have faded along with it... except for memories of course.... but this is the one tangible thing that I have left.

The worst part is when people say "I know what you are going through?" I have only met one person who knows.... her mom died suddenly when she was 23 and I can't even begin to describe to you what a comfort that has been. No one knows what this is like.... you have no idea. I can't even begin to describe it. It is like your entire world changes..... not enough to make you feel like you are somewhere else.... your environment is too similar.... but it is kinda like those parallel realities of the Twilight Zone.... where everyone has pig noses or something.... most things are the same.... but there is this overwhelming air that something drastically has changed.

Ok now enough with this whole gloomy guss routine..... oh fuggedaboutit.... i am gonna go watch tv I will perky some other time lol.

nite yall

posted by Ashlyn @ 5:53 PM