Retarded USC Girl

Episode One: Tits McFadden, Big Dick McGee, and Woody Johnson

I am forced to use nicknames for this because the other parties involved do not care to reveal their identities....

Tits McFadden is my alter ego... when I am naked in a pool behind an old plantation home.... naked in a pool with two men.... two very gay men. Woody Johnson and Big Dick McGee are old school friends of mine. Woody was in town for the day and McGee and I decided to go and see him. While lounging at his place for a bit, McGee finally shows up and smokes some ciggys with us and we all drink a few Bud Lights. We decided to go skinny dipping.... somehow, someway... the three of us ended up naked in the pool. This is how the new nicknames emerged.

Things I learned in the pool:
-objects in water are larger than they appear in pants
-even when naked, you are wearing a fur bikini (very raquel welch)
-even people who cannot swim will skinny dip (and grasp desperately for the ledge when in the deep end)
-pony tail holders are often lost upon an initial dive in
-naked men popping off to pee in a densely wooded area will remind you of a scene from a film depicting Adam and Eve
-naked men doing the aforementioned with a lit cigarette will be the Philip Morris version
-eye contact is hard to maintain
-Chicken is not a good game to play while skinny dipping


Quotes of the Evening:
-"He BEAR-FUCKED my ass like a champ!" This is the best thing I have EVER heard. It reminded me of a Grape Nuts commerical... rawwwrr!!
-"By then, I was just drunk and waterlogged".
-Who is Big Dick McGee? Obviously he is not in the pool!"
-"He's Awake!!" -me screaming to the naked dudes in the pool as I run past the windows of the house and see the lone occupant is in fact, in the kitchen.

Things I learned...
When your neighbor receives a package from UPS... and it is just sitting there on their porch... you know they have a package... but it is a really bad idea to open it up and look at the package...

Now ... all day I have been having these weirdo heebie jeebie flashbacks of the evening..... where I see a naked man dart from the water and into the bushes... or a naked man stoop down to hand me a beer.... Thank God for air hugs is all I can say.

So now that you know a friend is "packing"... or better said - you know exactly what they are packing.... you are left with the sad fact that yes, you will compare them to others. But let me make some sense out of this madness as Jerry Springer would do. Friends come in all shapes and sizes, colors and complexions. Friends come from all walks of life... rich, poor, or comfortable middle class, friends are people who you connect with on an emotional level (or physical level when you are just looking for an oddly familiar piece of strange)... there is far more to a person than what is dangling 2 to 10 inches above their knees. For all of their faults and failures... for all of the trials and tribulations and umm... shortcomings.... you have to admit... 99.9 percent of your friends, Big Dick McGee and Woody Johnson included, will be sporting much larger packages than the asshole ex boyfriend! :)

posted by Ashlyn @ 5:34 PM 1 comments