Retarded USC Girl

posted by Ashlyn @ 3:06 PM 0 comments

Randy Rollings -our very own computer services sex pot- was just in the office. I know every time I mention him, anyone reading this has to fight back an orgasm...imagine what I go through just typing it. ;) He was in the office for a bit today.... while my heart was saying "Leap over that desk and take advantage of that boy.... why else would that rug be there...", my mind was saying, "Leap over that desk and---- no, no, no, breathe, breathe, counseling... 12 steps, say, "Hi. Randy. How are you. My name is Ashlyn, and I am a receptionist... not a nympho.". hahaha but anyway.. I did invite the lil shit to come drink with us this weekend... but he is scared ;). I can so drink him under the table. Hell, I can drink Ted Kennedy under the table. ;)

Partying this Saturday... the Boodowski will be there... the Crystal will be there. The Moceefus will be there, and a shitload of alcohol will be there. :)

posted by Ashlyn @ 10:17 AM 0 comments

I tried to put an audio post on there the other day... apparently it didn't work. Maybe my template wont support it? Hmm.. i will figure it out.

Ok, so I spent last night at my parents' .. cause I am a jobless dork who is moving back home. Anyway, you know you are home when you wake up in the morning... not to an alarm clock, but to mother coming in and flipping the light on... and there is a fresh pot of coffee waiting on you, and a cup of Ovaltine in a travel mug for the ride to work. I have to admit - I could get pretty damn used to this.... only there is one catch.

I cant get used to this... I have to get a job and get my own place! I have to be able to go out drinking and stumble into my apartment at 6am without getting a knowing stare or one of those "where did we go wrong" glances. I have to have the freedom that only independence brings.

We were talking about weddings last night. My mother is appalled that non-virgins (in her eyes that is read: WHORES) marry in a WHITE dress. "Who do they think they are!!!???!!!". I have no real concrete plans to marry, really.... but if I do, apparently a white dress is not allowed! This from a woman who loves Sex and the City.... I would opt for pink anyway... just because I am cool like that.

posted by Ashlyn @ 5:01 AM 0 comments

Me: "I cant eat drumsticks. dont want to get close to the bone."
My mom: "well I guess you're not popular."

posted by Ashlyn @ 1:04 PM 0 comments

Dammit: CLICK HERE I am such a heifer!

The internet is a wonderful thing... it keeps me from ramming a jumbo paperclip into my neck. I am so damn bored. My job is almost over (last day = the ninth), I get off today in 3 hours, my stomach hurts, my back hurts, I cleaned a fucking toilet on my lunch break, I am still emotionally devoid of action, still play with boys but dont love them, except maybe one - but i will never tell him how I feel... and we know this -- cause I am a big dork like that. So here I am not even 23... and feeling like a "has been". I feel like the blonde cheerleader in HS who gets knocked up her senior year, goes to community college, ends up a cosmetologist and wonders where her glory days went. My college days have been really freakin legendary... i had an amazing time... I hope that it umm.. you know, CONTINUES! lol.

posted by Ashlyn @ 11:02 AM 0 comments

cold popcorn chicken for lunch. yummewww. "Yummewww" - my own yiddish-esque phrase for "kinda good.. kinda bad. You could stop eating it... and be ok... but you are hungry!:. Well. I saw Buddha n Mo last night over at NIck's Apt. Had a GREAT time! When the three of us are in the same space.... fab-o!

posted by Ashlyn @ 9:49 AM 0 comments

Well... I didnt get the job in Savannah. Perhaps that blow job i offered at the interview was too over the top? ;) When he said "you have to think outside of the box.."... did he mean "anal"??? lmfao. Oh well, I think that everything happens for a reason, and the right job will come along. Who knows, maybe prostitution is what i am supposed to be doing with my time. :)

"heartily know, when half gods go, the gods arrive"

posted by Ashlyn @ 10:04 AM 0 comments

I am in love with Zesta Fat Free Saltines. I don't know why... but I am. So, July 4th is approaching. So, here is some insight into my life ... surrounding this holiday.

1. My family doesnt really celebrate it. This is true because my cousin was murdered on July 4th like back in 92 I believe.

2. I have never really celebrated it.... I am a British sympathizer. I think that flying the Union Jack on July 4 is a-ok. Well, after Sept 11, I think my mom told me that any anti-American sentiment was really going to throw up a red flag. Those fucking terrorists are ruining all my fun.

Now my aunt whose daughter died on the fourth... she is an interesting character.... very blog worthy lol. My cousin was run over by a Mack truck. The driver did it intentionally... well... this leads my aunt to flip off every Mack truck she sees, etc. good times on a road trip. lol.

posted by Ashlyn @ 8:37 AM 0 comments

and Randy is in the office today.... ;) How much do we love him? I am really gonna have to start breaking shit so he can come and fix it :) He has great Milton stories now though lol.

posted by Ashlyn @ 6:48 AM 0 comments

So, let me update on the weekend. Strange damn weekend. Bad weekend overall. Stacy was riding a motorcycle with her dad. They got into an accident. Stacy's dad died and she is in critical condition. So sad, and scary. I actually prayed for an hour last night for her and her family. I think it scared me... when tragedy comes so close... it touches your skin and you realize that bad things dont just happen to the cousin of that guy's friend's brother.... we are not nearly as invincible as we would like to believe we are.

In other news....
Jeff called me Saturday night. Jason called me Sunday night. Buddha is back in SC now! yay! My days at the Roost are numbered, and my last day in Columbia is July 9th. ;)good bad happy sad

posted by Ashlyn @ 1:11 PM 0 comments

You Got Served

I saw that movie last night…. And I must say, I never fully realized the dance crazy subcultures that have emerged. To view these movies, one is left with the startling realization that young black men are no longer joining gangs, they are joining dance troupes. Say good bye to the Bloods and the Crips. Say Hello to the Sharks and the Jets.

South Park had a wonderful take on this dance crazy phenomenon. Even in South Park, a renegade dance troupe can challenge others to a street dancing competition filled with gay ass break dancing that takes one back to the days before years of drug abuse gave the Beastie Boys a speech impediment leading to their new hit “ch-check it out”.

Getting served is a mystery to me. As a “city-fied” white girl, I know that my age group and basic demographic could potentially be affected by this underground dance scene. So, how do I prepare myself to fare well in a dance off on Gervais Street? What can I do to keep from getting served?

Watching “You Got Served” along with “Save the Last Dance” and the grand daddy of street “serving”, “Footloose”, I have gained a few tips. Since this subculture is making its way out of the dusty warehouses and government housing, you may be faced with it during your lunch hour, on your way home from work, or most likely, as you are in the midst of a bar crawl.

What should you do to keep from being served?

1. Practice like crazy when you are home. Practice alone so you can be the prized member of your “crew”. Also practice with your crew so you will fare well in a stand off with a rival crew.
2. The more leaps the better! Nothing is cooler than seeing grown thug black men sail through the air in a fairy like leap. You can do it too!
3. Be aggressive! No this is not a cheer, but you have to seem angry. Have a scowl on your face while you are doing your hip hop best!
4. Break dance like your life depends on it! The more break dancing you can throw into the mix, the better. Spin on your head, walk on your hands, contort your legs, spin, spin, spin, they didn’t wax that floor for nothing!
5. Be mad at a member of your troupe…uh, I mean, crew. You have to have angst… it makes you a stronger dancer!
6. Have a member of your crew get shot, so you can do a tribute dance off. Or, if you are fairly Yuppie, if a friend gets a shot… have a dance off with an unruly orderly.
7. Dress in the same colors as your crew.
8. Give your crew a very hip-hop-tastic name! This name should instill fear in rival crews, but also convey your dancing prowess!
9. You must give yourself some turf. This could be your subdivision or even just a designated street. If you and your carpool are having trouble with the trash down the way, challenge them! This is also a real possibility for people in apartment complexes. Challenge other complexes! You own this city!
10. Finally, should you be served (severely embarrassed because another crew out danced you in public), take it like a man/woman. Once you have been served, you have to live with that mark of shame for a life time. The only way to remove yourself from your new found servitude is to go home and practice. Put on your headband and legwarmers. Pull out that old leotard. Put in the sound track to “Fame” and “Footloose” and maybe even some Abba. You are the dancing queen. And when I say queen, man, do I mean it! You have to go back out there and challenge the people that served you!

In this day and age, it is hard to know exactly when or where you may be challenged to a dance off. This article is not intended to scare you. The vast majority of us will go through life without ever having to face off in a very choreographed group dance on the street. The odds of your being challenged, however; are high if you are:

1. An Adidas clad young black man with an attitude and some original moves.
2. Living in an all-white town that banned dancing years ago because some kids died.
Other than these instances, you should be ok, but you never know. These dance offs are spreading like an epidemic. Before you know it, there could be wheel chair spin offs and disabled dance offs. Imagine the humiliation of being served by a disabled person.

So, as we as a society enroll in dance classes and sweat it out in our basements developing our craft, we realize that times have changed. The simple days of being able to walk down the streets carefree are over. In some ways, we are all slaves to the dance, and in this girl’s opinion, only Michael Flatley, the Lord of the Dance, can save us.

posted by Ashlyn @ 1:04 PM 0 comments