Friday, February 14, 2003

Somtimes.... when we are at our worst... we are at our best. We go that extra mile to exist in a capacity that we once engulfed. Thank you! I can't even begin to express how great a day today is. It is a depressing concept: valentines day, when you think about it.... but for me, today, right now, it is a good day.

Happiness is an odd thing... it steals your poker face, your anger, your rights.... it takes everything you own and hold sacred... people sell their souls to be as happy as I am right now....

Reasons why I am happy today, of all days:
1. decent classes
2. amazing family
3. Incredible friends... whether they are in West Cola, upstairs, or in Texas asleep on a couch-- they are amazing.
4. a gpa that i have some room to fuck with... albeit not much
5. a car that gets me where i need to go
6. a dorm that i love
7. love
8. a great sorority filled with these amazing girls that I am so fortunate to share a tie with...
9. buster
10. best of all -- answers to some of lifes little questions that roll around in my brain.

Today is indeed a good day.

posted by Ashlyn @ 1:36 PM 0 comments

Thursday, February 13, 2003

As you grow up, you learn the answers to questions... life is pretty programmed when u think about it. Examples, of course!
Hi. how are you?
Answer: good, thanks. and u?
How was dinner?
Answer: Great, thanks.
3 times 4 is...
Answer: 12 Alabama Answer: 46

There are some questions though... that I just dont know the answers to. They are the questions i never expected being asked... and unlike the essay questions that shock you on an economics midterm... you cant bullshit and parade around the right answer and still get some partial credit.... sometimes there is no partial credit. I am starting to believe Mr Cordray was right on that one.

So, I may not have all the answers, and I hate this state of not knowing and not being able to explain the answers that I do know... it is like knowing that e = mc squared, but not being able to explain it to anyone because you coudlnbt remember the formula... or what the variables stood for. I dont know what I want...a nd the little bit that I do know, i dont knwo how to explain.


posted by Ashlyn @ 10:27 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

Since you are most likely not talking to me... I think maybe just maybe, if I am lucky, you will stumble on here. So, here is an entry for you:

I'm sorry that I have hurt you. that was never my intention, but my biggest fear --odd how those things tend to come true if you worry about them long enough. I know that you want more and need more than I have to offer, but this is all I have to give. It is all I can give right now. I don't want you to hate me or to be upset with me, and I dont want you to hurt. I am sorry ten times over, really I am..... never wanted it to be like this.
Love,
Me

posted by Ashlyn @ 7:41 PM 0 comments

Sometimes.... even when the atmosphere is smoggy... and its rainy and nasty.... or its amazingly hot and you can feel your skin burning and you are far from comfortable and far from secure.... that little glow within you engulfs you and you smile... content in this position... surprised by that.... needing nothing more. That is how I feel right now.

posted by Ashlyn @ 2:08 PM 0 comments

Stress....
Sunday: work 1-4, 4:45- 8:30 RA Selection 9-10 DG meeting. 10-11 meet at library to study for econ.
Monday: 8:30-up and studying for eocn 11-12:15 econ exam, skip Phil and copme home and study untiul my 2:30 econ class get out at 3:45- then sytudy until my final exam at 5:30-6:45. Chapter meeting until 9.

Higher Harmony.... BRAVO! They are really very very good. My Tie is coming up.... god, i can only hope that Mr Peterson will be there... a sexy devil is a joy forever.

So, I have been sitting here for a bit in my free time... just thinking baout what I need to do with my life... and the only answer I can come up with is "Something". I dont know yet what I relaly want to be or even who I want to be. There are so many uncertainties... granted, I think I am on the right track in some areas at least.

It is the other areas.... where nothing is black and white... a world or grey. I need to eliminate that. Wipe it away.... but I cant. In the interests of everything, i cant let go of the elements that hold me back.... its liek ToTo... my ratty ass teddy bear that I have had for 21 years now.. and Buddha carebear... we carry things around.... and refuse to let go of them.... god, i need lseep i ache.

null void vs. dreams..... give me dreams any day of the week and twice on sunday... I live for the moments when i can seperate myself form this world... and slip into illusion... harness that... makes me feel like a kid again.

posted by Ashlyn @ 1:01 AM 0 comments