Friday, February 07, 2003

i didnt have to sell my soul... but i also didnt get the buffett tix lol. Its ok though,,, in the end it all works out and I had a good time that night anyway.

My thoughts for today are odd at best..... and here are some of them....

How do u know when head over heels is enough.... because technically that sounds like u r busting your ass.
When is enough good enough?
WHy do you want everything and settle for nothing?
Why does the guy at the gas station look so skeezy?
Why do we dance around fire and fear the burn.... shouldnt we just be fearless?

You play with fire and you will inevitably get burned.... We know this... I knwo this.... but I do it anyway. Stupid things all the time.. every day a million little ways to hurt things and I do it. You ask me why... and I dont really know. You say I am too smart not to know.,.... but for somethings there are no real answers just estimations. Problems all the time.... and some wounds that even whitman cant heal.

Roaming in thought about stupid things... playing with equations and equilibriums.... and game theories... charting my life like an economics case study... another random sampling... drawing the equations on the white walls with purple chalk.... stepping back and looking at it.,... making it all seem so simple.... but in real life... nothing is ceteris paribus. Never are all things else held constant.... or equal.

So I wipe the wall... purple smudges abound... I can see the remnants of the problems here and there.... no proposed solutions.. too many variables.. too many questions... and I smile for a minute and wipe the dust of chalk away.

posted by Ashlyn @ 11:50 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

I added pics. Just click on "More Pics" to see them. They are from our Karaoke Friday. I am going to go and sell my soul for Buffett tix right now. ok i am back... didnt sell my soul.... may still get tix. nite yall

posted by Ashlyn @ 11:17 PM 0 comments

Monday, February 03, 2003

Such perfection in you
we make an oxymoron of a pair
confidence and cowardice side by side
fingers tangled together in a heap
swinging lightly
hiding behind you
cowering behind you
an abusive relationship
people never know i am there
they see me in glimpses
a good angle
a nice smile
a bright eye
something small
something sort of quiet
a glimmer a passing reflection of me
mainly they see you
towering above me
shielding me
blocking me
protecting me
and hindering me all the while
a balancing act
a house of cards
i emerge
and fall back down
to hide behind u
to dwell in that impending shadow
to feel safe there
as if it were some blanket
making me warm
and i awake with nightmares
and I wrestle free from the blanket
slowly
one finger
one toe at a time
and later....
with the blanket a memory...
i stand
and i am the girl you look at
not you
not the abusive relationship
no more oxymorons
one face
all the time
not two
no more cages
no more bars
free from the prisons
I cast myself into
self loathing-- my crime.
Free from the shadow
And embracing the light
Free from the blanket
and feeling true warmth
One person now --
Not two.
The girl within
has made her presence known
taken her form
accepted her place
and burned a chlostrophobic blanket
and she did it on her own
for she was the only one who could

posted by Ashlyn @ 9:23 AM 0 comments

Sunday, February 02, 2003

beautiful people amaze me. I just saw someone walk in.... and head straight for the elevator... he was gorgeous. Like the kind of perfection where you know you are going to have to stare and stare and stare until you see a flaw.... but in all honesty... the flaw are probably more surface level than one might think... well, one who dwells on flaws anyway.

I am so bored and I am sitting here at work. I am looking at the lipstck residue on my diet coke can. Its like a modern fossil or something. I am sleepy. I would love to curl up in mu bed and mass of pillows for a quick nap. I can't ... i am gonan be so busy tonight. After work, I have a meeting tonight.

Here is my thought for the day:
You have to set yourself on fire all the time. Motivate yourself to do things. For Seth, I am sure this takes on a different meaning ;). Your heart and your head talk to you all of the time, and you have to be willing to listen. Once you have intercepted that conversation, you must set yourself on fire..... do something about it. If you do, you get comfortable,you get stable, and you never get out. The heart is an odd thing ... it wants what it wants,,,,, it holds on to the past and embraces the present and the future all at once. It heart holds no grudges.... the head does. It is a balancing act of sorts. The heart leaps and looks later.... the heart bends and shapes you.... and breaks you.

posted by Ashlyn @ 1:13 PM 0 comments

I am fiddling around with the blog.... trying to make her look sassy. Ok, I think this template is damn near adorable... but I am having hell with some of the HTML to get my pics n links accessible to yall. MY bad, I get off at 5, I will have worked it out by then.... I hope

posted by Ashlyn @ 12:13 PM 0 comments