Saturday, March 01, 2003

So I am sitting here at my parents... eating warm apple pie with icecram and drinking some cold coke. I love my parents. the minute I arrived, i instantly felt better. nad yes, right beside me now, there is a little tan tupperware cup.... and my teddy bear is on my bed... and I feel better, My throat still hurts, my head still aches, and my fever is still present, but my mom got me some new pajamas and said "Bless your heart" and I am ok.

I am such a hypochondriac. I have convinced myself that I have Meningitis. I have the symptoms.. stiff neck, headache, fever, chills, all that jazz.... but then again, i did hit my ehad earlier this week and that is most likely the cause of the whole stiff neck and headache.... regardless, if the ehadache persists, i ahve to go to the doctor. Lucky lucky me.

Its funny though, I have ben thinking about some of my logic class theories,,,, If p therefore q. Not p therefore not q... symptomatic as all hell :)

I am gonan go back to my childhood for a bit... I am gonan be 21 years old adn sit aorund in pajamas with my tupperware cup and my teddybear anda blanet adn watch tv and be waited on hand n foot... and i am gonan savor every minute of it.

posted by Ashlyn @ 6:46 PM 0 comments

Friday, February 28, 2003

I am sick... still sick. My throat is on fire and throbbing. My head is aching, my muscles are sore.. my nose is in pain -- its like the Hoover dam - o - snot. I feel like hammered shit. I want pajamas, juice, coffee, and narcotics. That is all I want right now.... God, all the times I have been really healthy and taken it for granted. I am such a loser.

MY throat kills me every time I swallow. DAMMIT I hate this. I want Nyquil... Nyquil and sleep... I am going to my parents' on Saturday evening.... after work. I want them to take care of me, let me sleep, and make me feel better. I hurt....

I remember when I was a little kid.... my mom had these tupperware cups... there were little tan ones and a blue one and an orange one. I remember how they smelled when they came out of the dishwasher. Whenever I was sick.... Mama would give me some coke in one of those tupperware cups and some tylenol or dimetapp and saltines. I would lay on the couch and she would check my temp and say "bless your heart". I could use a little of that right now.

I am always in such a rush to grow up... when I was a kid and I would play house or something, I would pretend I was "20" years old. I remember when 20 was an adult... and now that I have surpassed that, I dont think it is that damn old. I still feel like that little girl who would lay on the couch with her teddy bear.... under a blanket with her mama there.

This is just one of those days where you want to wind back the clock, slow down the pace, recall old memories, and relive them. Its in the way that Christmas is more fun when you are a kid, being barefoot outside was a good idea, burying a new sandal that wasnt recovered until 3 years later was an even better idea.... and in the way that coke from a tupperware cup and saltines tasted better back then... made u feel better.

I am going home tomorrow after work.... I am sick and I need that Tupperware cup and those saltines and my mama :) [those narcotics would be nice as well ;)]

posted by Ashlyn @ 4:35 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

There are no instruction manuals in life. Some people use the bible as one, but I look elsewhere. I am not saying that I am right or wrong or that anyone else is... we all just live life differently. I wish though that I could see the outcomes of things before I launch into them.... there is no telling how many things I would have done differently... and how many other things I would have done again... only more fervently....

Today I am in the computer lab at the BA... just a typing away on a black Dell. I think of chris when I see it. ;) My throat is sore as I am finally getting over a damn cold. The worst part of it all was the damn headache.

Sometimes, we do things.... stupid things, and we sit back and we look around and we evaluate.... and we pick up that purple chalk and reach for that white wall.... but all we see are smudges.... ambiguity. Some things cant be rationalized.... worked out, or even comprehended the 10th time through. Not having the right answers is aggravating... its annoying and leaves the problem solver feeling a bit useless. So, u do things and you worry and mill over the consequences after the fact... and you find your God and you pray... or you cuss and scream or find a little hope buried in the bottom of some bag.... and then you smile....

You smile in a way that only you can translate... you smile to yourself and for yourself and for everyone else in this world to see.... and you make more mistakes... and you keep smiling... and then in the end, you are like a jigsaw puzzle missing a piece.... but you smile because you realize that the reason you have been off-center is because of that missing piece .... and you know what the piece (or more aptly peace) is.

Today, through everything --- I smile.

posted by Ashlyn @ 10:48 AM 0 comments

Monday, February 24, 2003

This weekend was not one for the books.. although there were a few good points:
1. Got to see Larry
2. Sang "I wanna sex u up" by color me badd with shaun at karaoke night. marvelous.

Glad this weekend is over.

Buddha: "Oh, he is fine...."

posted by Ashlyn @ 4:06 PM 0 comments