Saturday, January 25, 2003

I realized today.... or last night or sometime between now and yesterday that "let the dead past bury its dead" is a lot easier said than done. The past is a foundation upon which our current selves stand. If we diminish that, we crumble right along with it. Every hurt, every pain, every joy, they are with us still. Every laugh hangs somewhere in the balance. Every drop of blood and every shattered piece of the heart you have rebuilt so many times. It's all there.... and you can never rid yourself of it.

We cuss and scream about the past. We try to say that we learned lessons from it, or gained something from our experiences. I think all you ever really gain, in the end is simply more "past" to carry along with you.

All the ways you thought you had changed. All the words you would take back a hundred times over, all the smiles and sideways glances.... they are all still there... all still a part of you.... just dusty.

The bad part about the past is that its a temptation.... like a reformed smoker with an open pack of marlboro lights.... old habits die hard. Their memories linger like the smell of weed in 1304. Sometimes, I catch myself dwelling on the past... not in daydreams mind you.... but mentally roleplaying... reverting back to where things used to be and a world of what ifs.... thinking it normal.

The past is the past for a reason. All things come full circle eventually. And the past comes back to us... in bits and snippets and we live a life of dejavu moments and fairy tales. The past sneaks in on us.... but if we can catch it in time, it wont take us over, but timing has never been my strong suit.

The one thing about the past that I liek is that it is mine. Not that I have a seedy past or anything, but think about it. You own your past. You can relay details of it to new friends and family and lovers and the like, but in the end, they can never truly know it.... it is yours. They will try to understand it and try to break into it and chip away at it bit by bit... and try to get you to rid yourself of it... so there will be nothing to fall back on but them.... the new ones. But I like to think that my past is mine. For all its faults and for all its treasures, I cherish it.... some moments more than others.

posted by Ashlyn @ 11:00 AM 0 comments

Friday, January 24, 2003

Yesterday was an official Snow Day. Oh it was beautiful. God's dandruff flaked to the earth en masse. "twas nice indeed. Jimmy and I went to the gym to work out and walked there in the snow.... it was amazingly pretty. Then last night eveyrthing iced over. Buddha and I sat around all day. We ventured out into the snow briefly... as it was pretty but dman cold. We camped out in the living room in a mass of laugheter and watched movies. It was a good day.

Today was a partial snow day. Classes were delayed until 10pm. Lucky for me, my class got out at 9:55, so I was able to simply sleep in and avoid class for a bit. Buddha grabbed me an application for that summer camp counselor job. I really hope I get it. I need to go anf do some real work now because I am gonan try to go to the RA Info session tonight at the towers. Pray pray pray I make it there on time.

posted by Ashlyn @ 2:07 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

It's late. I was watching Kindergarten Cop and listening to Devin. You know, its been an odd day of thought for me. Here is one of them: we forget to remember things all of the time. Those things we swore we would cherish forever, it is sad. Slowly time slips in and the memories slip out. I wonder now all of the things I hold sacred, if they too will not withstand the test of time. I hate the way you can recall so many details of someone except for the ones that really matter to you -- the obscure little details. I hate the way I forget a voice if I dont hear it often enough... and when you smile, which side of your mouth curved up.. was it the left or the right? AHh, fuck it. Maybe I need to jog my memory.

I am thinking about summer job potentials. Perhaps as a camp counselor??? Sounds good to me. For MS and HS kids-- you know, the smart ones that probably get jumped in the halls at school anyway. I would get to stay in Columbia for the summer,and it would be decent money. Who knows, come summer I will most likely be bare foot and pregnant living in half a trailer that I am shairng with a Vietnamese Elvis fan, drinking light beer so it wont hurt the baby as bad, while my boyfriend is the guy in the wifebeater on cops. Summer camp counselor is sounding pretty damn good. ;) nite yall. I have to work out in the morning and 7am comes awful early when it's fucking freezing outside.

posted by Ashlyn @ 11:18 PM 0 comments

Monday, January 20, 2003

Buster is sstretched out across the desk in front of me. he is beyond precious. Animals truly are set above us... separate form us, because I know in all honesty that no human could ever be as adorable or love this much. Goddammit. i said goddamit in front of my mother... it was one of a long list of obscenities. She got pissed. "Watch your mouth you dont say that". I looked back at her and said "why not? if I ahd said Yahweh it would be blasthemy... but god is a generic term like ibuprofen vs advil. further more, i dont believe in your god". She got quiet after that.

posted by Ashlyn @ 8:15 PM 0 comments

Sunday, January 19, 2003

A new day dawns. I am at work, imagine that. Bored once again. You know, I think boredom is as close to insanity as I care to venture. I mean, think of it like this: most people do stupid shit when they are bored. When you are bored, you have time to think about that pathetic excuse of a life you have and then BAM! all of the sudden you are depressed. Once you are depressed, it is easy for you to become desperate for anything. Perhaps even desperate enough to fuck a cousin. Enter Edgar Allan Poe. In HS the teachers ranted and raved about his mental state. They questioned it and amde us do the same. I think he man was mentally ok to begin with, he was just bored. He became desperate... he fucked his cousin and that was that. He sealed his fate. And since I am bored, I am thinking about that. But seriously, you get bored and to weasel your way out of boredom, you do a million and one random things. Some are funa nd some are stupid and some are just plain sad. It is my sincere hope to stamp out boredom from my daily routine... and I have succeeded in doing so for the most part this week, as my schedule leaves little room for idle wanderings. It does however leave me time to run this blog... and hopefully time to transfer shit fomr the MT site and the DL site to this one... not to mention redirecting that URL. DAMMIT.

I have to start a project on the Economics of Pollution. Its due the 29th. I think I shall bullshit my way through the heartwrenching (Im sure) saga of the manufacturers of aerosol sprays... goddam CFCs. You know, I am sure this would be much more endearing if I were a tree hugger or some shit. Well anyway, let me go and get started on my project... see work is good for something and at least I wont be bored. I need a cig too. Anyway, I will write more tomorrow.

posted by Ashlyn @ 10:35 AM 0 comments