Granted, I realize that you can't choose who you love - but you can choose to love yourself more - respect yourself. You can choose to realize the fact that you are a good person and deserve to have good people in your life - not the woman you are clinging on to. You can choose to realize that distance helps - that you will never get over an old love if you are still clinging to the threads of an unraveling relationship - and most importantly - you can never really truly love someone who doesnt love you back.
My Dad thinks I hate her because of the shit she said to me a week after she moved out - how she emotionally devastated me by blaming me for the dissolution fo the marriage. She hurt me. She was cruel and awful and that was her intention - it was not accidental. She accomplished her goal. I dislike her for that. Everytime I look at her, I cringe and wonder why a woman like my mother had to die and a bitch like this is alive. But what is worse is remembering how my Dad didnt care what she said to me - he was just so scared they wouldnt get back together. That almost broke me.
What really pisses me off, I mean what brings me close to hate is remembering what it is like to sit in the ER and wait at the Hospital on the weekend after my Dad attempted suicide. TO know that your Dad's life was so incomplete without this woman -that me and my brother --- his kids are not enough. To know that he survived my mom's death but losing this road whore sent him reaching for the sleeping pills.
What pisses me off still is thinking of my Dad in his orange county-issue jump suit as I bailed him out of jail. Signing my Dad's bond. Seeing my Dad laugh about being in jail and thinking that my brother and i would find it just as funny.
What pisses me off even more than that is constantly seeing him hanging around her. Her seting foot in the house she chose to leave as she was on the verge of crazy. Watching him still put effort into a relationship with her and fearing that more exposure to her will cause me to once again see him in an orange jump suit, in a think hospital gown - or in a black vinyl body bag. That is what upsets me.
So I feel a dizzying sense of wonder. Where will we be in a few months.... in a year? She has damaged our relationships to a point that I doubt we will ever have the same relationship we used to have with our Dad.... but wounds can heal... so I am left asking the only real question left - when will she finally physically be out of our lives?????? Please let it be soon!
Labels: Carol - Man, I hate her
