It's a bleak anniversary. I hate that. Remembering something awful. Something too awful to forget. Something you shouldn't forget.
I remember September 11th 2001. It would have been a really average day at USC.... I was going to my computer class in Swearingen with the professor with the fucked up shoes and I passed my brother on the street and he told me a second plane had hit the WTC.
They have been playing all kinds of 9/11 documentaries this month. I watched United 93 and cried like a bitch. It was just so awful. I can't fully comprehend the tragedy.... that profound sorrow. People jumping... I can't imagine having that kind of courage to choose your fate. Burn? Be crushed? or free fall for a few seconds? The absolute terror. It makes my stomach hurt.
So, I found this picture in all the 9/11 stuff floating on the web. It's hopeful. I like that. I am not religious... not churchy in the least, but I have faith in things greater than myself. Sometimes having faith is the hard part.... especially in the event of tragedies... but I digress.
So, a funny story... that relates. Ok, so when I was back at USC, I was in my dorm, Bates West, in the laundry room. There was a tv in there that you could see from the hall. So the tv is on the History channel. And it's showing a scene of tall buildings being bombed and pancaking much like the towers. This is post 9/11 mind you. This was some time around 2002/2004. Ok, so Jimmy walks past the entry to the laundry room then bolts back inside the room.... looking at the tv saying "OMG WHAT"S HAPPENING!!!???" It cracked me the fuck up. I mean, the shit was in black and white - classic history channel material here. It was awesome. I did laugh my ass off. Granted, I should have cut him some slack. He was actually in NY on the true 9/11. ;)
So there's some humor. I'm afradi that is about all you get on this topic. There is really nothing much you can say about assholes flying planes into buildings. But watching United 93, I have to admit... those people were a hell of a lot braver than me and you cant help but be really fucking proud of them. Damn.... that really must have sucked.
Labels: Sept 11
I overheard someone say that they didnt get any kind of payment for being a good person - no positive reciprocation. Bad karma. You know, I thought that way too... until about a minute ago when I heard it said outloud. It was like the words floated in the air with a holy shit vibe circling wildly around them.
The answer: I think your life sucks right now because you want there to be reciprocation. Are you really only a good person just because you think you will be rewarded for it?
I have honestly come to that point where I realize full well that is not how the system works. If you are good - good for you, but don't think that all the glory and wonders of the world will fall into your lap because of it. Your prayers are not answered! Big deal. I want to just shake the person and say "Well. Did it ever occur to you that in the grand scheme of things - your prayer really didn't matter.... it was inconsequential in the long run... either that or God doesn't exist." hee hee that kills me.
I think that its easy to be a good person when the world is going your way, but when you are down and out and the world has really made you shit and fall in it - you would just rather say "Fuck You" and be on your way.
I dunno.... I have just never really heard an adult say that before.... to verbalize it. I mean - outloud to other people... to cry over it.... "I'm a good person... my life sucks. it's not fair!" There is no fair. We are not guaranteed fair. Fair is an idea we created to make ourselves feel better.
Everyone's life turns to shit at some point. Wow, I am quite the cynical philosopher. My mom died. My Dad married a retarded psycho whore. Went nuts himself. Divorced her. I had a mental break I believe... panic attacks, enough Xanax to kill a small horse...
I would love to say that I believe we all find our way through it, but in truth - a handful of us will off ourselves. A few will mire through the muck and find that fairness .... that reward. The rest of us will stay trapped in the shit with no hope of rescue. I think, in the end, all you can do is get comfortable with where you are. Realize that you might be the one to stay stuck or the one to off himself.... but keep the hope that you will be the one who makes it out.... Hope is a powerful instrument.
Labels: life's not fair
So my planes stayed in the air. Woo hoo. :)
Ok. A few hours before I flew out, I told my brother the story of me calling for sympathy and Daddy telling me his plane lost an engine over the Canadian Rockies. Dad came over not an hour or so after I told Larry that story. So, I just knew my plane was gonna crash and they were teasing me. Well, Larry said since I was going out on a DC-8 - it was probably flown in Normandy. My Dad pipes up and says, "Mine was". Larry just laughed and I knew he was thinking about Dads plane stories. I get no sympathy - zero. He has been through war, his jeep exploded, he crashed his car, he drank too much, his plane lost an engine. No sympathy in sight. :)
Chicago was fun. I met some really neat people in the airport.... I got lost on the subway for like 3 hours.... it was fun. Chicago is really pretty.... a neat city - very Capone-esque.
I called Seth today just to make sure he was still alive. He answered and affirmed that he was indeed alive. Woo Hoo.
I'm back at work today. I took a sick day yesterday. Headache from hell.... Wore pajamas to CVS to get Excedrine Migraine.... weird something or other going on in my mouth.... and charlie horse cramps all over.... I'm sure it looked amusing.....
So enough bitchin and moanin... I'm ok today.
Cindy and Cody surprised me by cutting my grass.
Observation: I am so blessed. Seriously.... God has given me incredible friends, family... I dont know what I would do without them. I really dont.
:)
