Saturday, April 01, 2006

We went to the river. I got in.... it was cold and dark... Really really cold and dark. fun times.

So I had a revelation today that I have known was coming - I just didnt want to admit it, I guess. Sometimes... there are things out there that you want.... but you will never have them. That is the way things should be... only the things that you are really meant to have should you possess. I mean... everyone wants to win the lotto... so few do. The same principles apply. I want something that I know I am never gonna have.... so, with every ounce of courage in me... I have to face the fact that I have to let go.... So, I am letting go - just the best way I know how.

Also... why is it so hard to log into myspace at 2:45 am. I know it was 2:45 when I attempted it because the weirdo alarm on my cell phone went off. Gotta love it. I need to take that alarm off... it has been on long enough. Is the free world home at 2:45 am on Saturday night/Sunday morning and just hankering to get on myspace?

posted by Ashlyn @ 11:51 PM 0 comments

I know I havent done this in a while.... but here I go - pasting some snippets of lyrics that I am loving at this moment.... whew, its been a late night. :)

*an oldie... by a HOTTIE*
The rain falls where it wants to
The wind blows where it will
Everything on earth goes somewhere
But I swear we're standin' still
So I'm not going to wake you
I'll go easy on your heart
I'll just touch your face and drift away
Like smoke rings in the dark

*oldie but goodie... all new and shiny again*
So you sailed away
into a grey sky morning
Now, I'm here to stay,
love can be so boring
Was it what you wanted?
Could it be I'm haunted?
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had.

* a lil NIck Drake for ya* God I love NIck Drake
Who can knowWhat happens in her mind
Did she come from a strange world
And leave her mind behind
Her long lost sighsAnd her brightly coloured eyes
Tell her story to the wind.

* a lil more, you say? ;) *
Safe in the womb
Of an everlasting night
You find the darkness can
Give the brightest light.
Safe in your place deep in the earth
That's when they'll know what you were really worth.
Forgotten while you're here
Remembered for a while
A much updated ruin
From a much outdated style.

God, I LOVE Nick Drake. I really recommend listening to absolutely as much of his stuff as possible. He has an amazing voice.... and he sang amazing songs... I know I have ranted about him before... but... honestly... there is so much more to the volume of his work than the goddam postmortem Volkswagon commercials... pink moon, my ass.

posted by Ashlyn @ 2:53 AM 0 comments

Watch "history of violence" - but dont watch it alone... it is not scary, but it is a "get laid" kinda movie. ;)

I am choking down some nasty ass cough medicine. Plus side to coughing hysterically - cant really keep down much food. lol. ahhh, bulimia - so much trendier than cutting.

Julie has found her another man. She is like fishing with dyn-o-mite! ( say it like JJ).

Best convo EVER today:
Julie: "He said, "You have never had sushi!?! I thought you would be more worldy!" Can you believe he said that???
Me: "Well, Julie... you consider Funyuns "EXOTIC".
(about a month ago.... I was going in the gas station... Julie told me to bring her back some chips... either and I quote "Sunchips or funyuns... something EXOTIC")

posted by Ashlyn @ 2:19 AM 0 comments

Thursday, March 30, 2006

So... about last night. :) God I love when a post has to start that way. There are a few things that I should discuss. Three things actually.

1.I called and left Bobby a voicemail apology for the "SugarGlider Incident". He didnt find it funny and was quite pissed. Man, talk about letting a GREAT piece of ass slip through your fingers lol.

2. Jack. This is an odd topic. Jack is an ex... from like 3 years ago... I was in college... long time ago. We had a BAD break up. Jack basically hated me for 3 years. It wasnt like some momumental event took place to break us up... just little things over time that added up and we saw that perhaps the sum of our parts was greater than the whole of the relationship. But it ended... and it ended BADLY lol. We have recently... past few months started chatting again... and it is really nice having him back in my life, I have to admit. He is a fun one. Funny funny boy.

So, we were having a conversation and he was telling me about his most recent ex. The one that had lived with him. He said that he loved her. Then that he had to get over her and just forget it. I told him that once you love someone - that is it. I dont think there will ever be a time when you just dont love them again. I think love changes over time. It melts and forms into something different.... something new, but it is still a part of you. So after that lil spiel... he asked me if I ever loved him. I told him that I did, which is true. Then I thought about it once I hung up... and oh the implications of that. But it is true... what I said, exactly... once you have loved someone... I dont think you ever stop loving them, the love is still there... it just changes... morphs itself into something you can live with.

3. Mission: 125. Agent McFarland entered Suite 125 at approximately 1100 hours EST. McFarland was joined by a new agent Chester Cheatson who was already operating on Mission: Girlfriend Can Never Know. Needless to say, both missions were successful. Both McFarland and Cheatson made the best use of 125 and parted ways no worse for the wear. :)

Great T Shirt: "I'm the one you have to fuck to get a drink around here"

posted by Ashlyn @ 2:02 PM 0 comments

Monday, March 27, 2006

Rebecca has been reading my blog. I make the blog public so people can read it... that doesnt really bother me. Why she bothers to concern herself with my life, I have no idea. She hates me because I "ruined" her wedding. It is a shit story that I. lol. ahhh, dont worry... its not sappy, we have all had a good laugh at it. Lets not even get into the drama of whether or not it was the original wedding or not.... that is a whole email drama like you wouldnt believe. Back to the point. I have little to nothing to say to her because she sent out a mass email after my mom died, to my friends and coworkers in which she described my mother's passing. She honest to god used the fucking phrase "It was beautiful". My ass. Apparently we didnt witness the same event. Take some consideration for other people.... good God... that is just common etiquette.

So, to the point.... she reads my blog... and gets all "concerned" which I find shocking. Someone who is so "concerned" about me hasnt attempted to contact me in over 6 months... she calls Jodi and completely forgets that she hasnt talked to him in 6 months either... real smooth. She tells him that she thinks I might be cutting myself or suicidal and she just wanted to say something in case she was the only one who read my blog. Please - I have pretty good readership actually. :), but that is beside the point. SO, I am laughing because where is this concern coming from? a moment to look good for a crowd and play hero? That must be it. She demonstrated her absolute lack of concern for me when she cut me out of her life over 6 months ago.... So I called and left her a voicemail that I admit was not nice. So, I will most likely call and apologize because I dont see the point in being rude. I do have some grace. It just pissed me off. I mean... this sudden emergence or concern.... and for what?

Anyway, other than that - it has been a good day....

posted by Ashlyn @ 3:14 PM 0 comments

So this depression thing is getting well... depressing. I need to perk it the fuck up. I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel... and as far as I can tell... that translates into moving back to South Carolina. When? most likely soon, I should say. A month? maybe more maybe less... I really dont know. Whatever it takes to get my life on track.

Things are looking up... I didnt think that was possible for a while... but I am getting better. I dont think that anyone can understand what it is like to lose someone that you love.... the way that i love my mother unless you have been there.... my ex boyfriend Jack has been there. He lost his Dad this year... and I like talking to him for a lot of reasons, one of which is that more than most, he understands what I am going through.

I like to think that I am one tough cookie and a lot of the time, I think that I am.... but there are moments when I crumble faster that you can imagine, but I am a big fan of picking up the pieces and moving on.

posted by Ashlyn @ 8:30 AM 0 comments