Retarded USC Girl

Today is a day of great joy. Melissa.... Mo Girl married Ray. Congratulations. She was the most beautiful bride I have ever seen. Ray loves her so completely and so humbly and she loves him in that same capacity. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that their marriage will last. She was an absolutely radiant bride.

So this was the silver lining to a really shitty week.

Wedding happenings:
-yours truly finally drank the alcohol she deserved.
-bird seed all in the cleavage
-spanked Eric Esquire Moore
-gave James a lap dance
-Oh I now know bandaids work well instead of a bra..... and removal of the aforementioned bandaids is not fun.... at all

Buddha cried because well... that is what Buddha does. She is emotional. I laughed and the more I drank... the more I laughed.

Today, my best friend got married..... and I have absolute sheer joy in my heart. This new life is beginning for her.... and there was a moment... not during the actual ceremony or the reception.... when my heart ached for my mother. When we were taking pictures, I realized that if I ever do get married.... my mom wont be there. I wont have her there to tell me not to freak out or to make me laugh... and I wont have her in pictures.... no more pictures... ever... and it broke my heart.

I am ok. I am fine.... doing really well.... I mean people are amazed at how well I am doing....
but there are moments... seeing Miss. Wanda smile and be so happy for Melissa.... and knowing I will never have that..... seeing a new car that I want and knowing I will never have mama tell me not to drive too fast....

Its funny..... I am like hot and cold.... I am ok.... but then the most innocuous things make me realize the hole in my heart..... its like a hole in a favorite shirt.... you forget it is there ...or if yoiu know it's there... you are comfortable with it... until someone reminds you of it....

I dunno.... maybe i am just a weirdo.

But all this crap about me is arbitrary..... Melissa was a BEAUTIFUL bride. Congrats. I love them both.

posted by Ashlyn @ 8:14 PM 0 comments

So..... Melissa's wedding is approaching quickly to say the least. Rehearsal is tonight. What fun! I bought Mo a precious gift that I hope she loves and I got Ray something that I think he will like as well. We went to the nail salon and had manicures and pedicures last night. And I will say this.... the gut could have stopped and put on some deodorant and I would not have been upset with him.... at all. So I am french -tippin it on the fingers and toes.

We went over to Rays last night and we were practicing dancing. I was teaching Melissa and Ray how to shag and do a basic waltz box step and promenade. It was fun. My Middle name is DeQwan. If you are a Napoleon Dynamite fan - u will appreciate that. I think the movie was ummm ok. I actually apologized for bringing it over for friends to watch - not a cinematic legend or anything.

So tonightis the rehearsal and that will be fun. First though I have a busy day ahead of me... I have all day off just to go shop for an outift for tonight... and maybe some cute new shoes and I need to go to the bank at 2 to meet thre funeral director... and I need to call the preacher back and confirm on the church. ... and I need to clean the spare room too. And Larry, Cassie and the kids are coming over for lunch.... so wow I have like 5 hours to get everything done.... yowza!

I will be rushed.... but I can do it. :)

Hope everyone has a marvelous weekend.

posted by Ashlyn @ 10:00 AM 0 comments

Mama died last night. Ok, now that we have that out of the way..... let me tell you about last night. I held my mother's hand as she died. It was so quiet..... so drama free. It was just like a baby falling alseep... a little labored at first and then peace.

This remarkable woman was funny until the end. Dying of cancer and kidney failure, she said, "Your Daddy did this. I want you to investigate". My God I love this woman. I was able to tell her how wonderful she is, how much I love her and what an amazing woman she was. I told her that I loved every minute I spent with her.... except for the ones where she was a real bitch. :) She laughed. And so my brother holding one hand and I held the other..... and our mother drifted to see her mother (who she had been talking to in the room).

Speaking of my brother.... he had gas like you wouldnt believe.... I told his wife that it MUST be love ofr her to stay with him. The boy farts like a damn machine. Well, he farted a silent one... but oh it was violent. Well, Larry was always so quick to claim his that I assumed Mama must have shit on herself.... she was half sedated on the bed. So I said, "Oh God, Mama shit herself", and Mama's eyes jump open and she says , "Huh????". Then Larry claimed it.

In the end.... I mean at the very end, my mother was still hillarious. She loved her family and we loved her.... and she loved life. My God, how I love this woman.

Yes, I am still broken.... so sad it is hard to describe.... but my friends and family have been amazing. The calls, the messages, the flowers, the visits, the absolute love is so wonderful. It brings me a feeling of peace far greater than one I could have achieved without yall.

So, mama died... and the hours keep on rolling by.... fairly quickly actually..... and I keep doing the things I normally do.... minus, of course, the things I do with my mother. Life goes on.... and despite the tragedy of the situation, please understand..... I have no qualms with God. There is no anger cast His way, there is not even a question of why. He answered our prayers when we prayed that he take her suffering and pain. She died without knowing the real horror of cancer and I will always be so very grateful for that.

Life goes on...... Melissa gets married on Saturday and it will be so nice to stand there and wear that pink dress and do something so full of joy as opposed ot something so full of sorrow.

posted by Ashlyn @ 7:49 AM 0 comments

...and the storm cometh....

My mother is dying. She is in kidney failure and has advanced uteran cancer. *breathes deep*. I have told this story so many times on the phone today that it is feeling like just that - a story. I feel like I am reliving the details of one of those tawdry dramas I am so fond of.... only in reality, I now realize I am a character.... and more importantly so is my mother.

I went into her room in ICU today to see her. I said "hey Mama" and she opened her eyes and she tried to talk..... but I told her not too.... the tubes were in her mouth... she is not breathing for herself.... I am crying now just thinking about it. She looks so sad.... lying in a bed with tubes and hoses coming out of her.... blood in some... the dark liquid that is supposed to be urine in another.

My heart is broken. I never knew that it was possible to hurt this much.... with a pain quite like this... it reaches so deep that i know what the soul is.... it is wounded.... battered and bruised and utterly beyond repair. I feel like a small child in need of her mother.... yes, that is exactly what I need: my mother.

The sad thing is that you may read this and be saddened.... but you have no idea how wonderful a woman she is. You have no idea how much she wanted me and my brother and how perfect she is for my dad. You have no idea how many times we have laughed together and cried together... and how I spoke to her every day on my lunch break... and how she would call me on the cell whenever she was at a gas station and how I dont have a single voice mail left with her voice on it.

I am aching with this intolerable pain. Pain. She is out of pain. She was in so much pain Friday and Saturday and not to mention Thursday. We were in the ER and she would sit up and let me rub her back.... and it helped... some. LAst night, I stayed late and she was hot so I went to WalMart and bought her a fan..... it was a really nice one to keep her cool... because if you know my mother... she cant stand to be hot. I bought her those Be Kool strips for kids with fevers.... because I knew that after visiting hours I wouldnt be able to keep giving her a cool washcloth for her forehead.... and I painted her toenails while she was half asleep and we watched part of Dogma and The Patriot together....... and I left the hospital feeling good about her..... about her improving. She looked so much better. And I prayed. I pray for God to help her. To take away her pain and to help her feel His presence. To bring her comfort and to bring her peace.

Now, the doctor told us there is no hope and to just let her die of kidney failure... so now my only hope is that God answers my prayers and my mother doesnt suffer.

I love her so much. I am aching, but I would gladly take her pain to keep her from it. And now I pray for the strength to get through this....


... I am broken.

posted by Ashlyn @ 5:47 PM 0 comments