Saturday, February 22, 2003

Maybe the details are more important than I thought.... Maybe it takes more than love to hold two people together.. like sometimes it takes more than glue to hold wood to steel. This is the pissed off me talking.... the one who is probably going to exaggerate a scenario, be too hostile, and say exactly the wrong thing... so keep that in mind. I was glad to see Larry and James. Those boys together tickle the shit out of me. they sang "SLow Hand".... it was great. I ahd a marvelous time last night, I really did. I met Jack's sister Sherre.... and she was just hella cool.

So why am I the pissed off version? It is hard to explain in so many words. But the after effects are this: I am not going to apologize for any of my actions last night... I can apologize for how others felt about them.. but not my own actions... I dont have regrets of them. I am glad you got to meet larry... for better or for worse.... and I am sorry for what he said and such. My actions, I stand behind them. It was fine for me to sit at a table of my friends that you gladly could have come over to at any point in time. It was perfectly acceptable for me to sit there and shoot the shit with Buddha and seth while yall were at the bar and your sister was getting to know james.. I didnt want to interrupt that. Perhaps if all of us had been at one big table rather than divided in two, things would have been fine... but that wasnt the case -- that is a completely different scenario. I honestly dont believe that I did anything wrong... so I am sorry you feel that way, but in one's lifetime, you cna only apologize so many times... and I am not sorry for the way I acted last night.. I really dont see where I did anything wrong... I am sorry you were hurt, and i just hope u can see my point of view here.

posted by Ashlyn @ 10:00 AM 0 comments

Friday, February 21, 2003

Life.... is merely a series of moments. You have to embrace them before they slip you by. I like to say that I dont regret the things I have done, I merely regret the things I havent.... but I doubt that is completely true. I think we all just regret the things we havent done MORE than those that we have. We all second guess, and live in a world of retrospect. We do stupid things and then imagine them away. I always leap before I look. I like to think to that a certain amount of spontaneity is welcome... even necessary to increase the quality of life.... but then I will run that theory into the ground. Sometimes we think too much....

I dont know the answers to anything anymore.... well, sure I have those textbook memorized "enough to do well on the final" kind of answers, but life is constantly evolving for me. I am constantly embracing new scenarios... and I graph them out with purple chalk on white walls when I have the chance, and I shake my head and say "what was i thinking?"..... and now I am semi-content, quasi-content, the diet coke of content with the fact that I will never really have a valid answer to that... and that maybe some questions are better left unanswered... like "who farted?"

Life is a funny thing... and we go through the motions and hope that we dont fuck ours up.... lingering pains of uncertainty in our stomachs as we venture on.... random encounters, and how to say midget in german.... all those little details that make this life worthwhile. Maybe I will never be able to explain any of my actions to a reasonable degree of certainty... being an RA, in a sorority, a moderate alcoholic :), who knows.... these are just details that help define my life... decisions i have made.

I look back at times, today being one of those days, on past indisgressions.... and I have to laugh.... a smile crosses my face as I think "life is good, God help it stay that way, and please help my stupid little errors that I will inevitably make in this life---please let their impact diminish over time". Life is like people: neither good nor bad... it is all just a matter of perception. I hope that perception doesnt change.

posted by Ashlyn @ 12:16 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

I just installed my new printer... a very sassy little Lexmark i3. It doesnt look liek a printer.. so it is more of a conversation piece than anything. Had a bit of a rough pactch with Jack for a while, but it is all over now. thankfully. I cleaned my room... worked on the living room, and tomorrow i am breaking out the bleach after the MIXER!

These past few weeks have been a blast. Perhpas it has caused a few problems relationship wise witrh Jack due to time constraints (but we worked thru that :)), joining Delta Gamma was a great decision. The girls are really amazing... all fo them. Each one is so different.. no cookie cutter stereotype cna apply, but they are all fabulous in their own ways.

It is a bit intimidating, joining a sorority of giurls who have been together in that capacity for a long while now... you would think that you would be fresh meat, but they have welcomed us all so genuinely and so generoudly that there is nothing you cna do but smile and know that once and for all, you haev truly found your place. These past few weeks have been amazing, and I have been sitting on pins and needles wondering who my big sis will be, as she will be revealed to me on Monday. I can hardly wait.

I also find out about RA selection on Friday... and while I woudl like to be an RA... I also want to live at SOuth tower... so regardless of whether or not I become an RA>... I will be happy Friday... Happy because I am going to be an RA... or ahppy because I am going to live in SOuth Tower. ... either way itsa good deal... and I will be happy.

I need sleep. Congrats Chris, I love you kid.

posted by Ashlyn @ 10:54 PM 0 comments